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Mother and Father bought a deer meat for their children
They went back home and put the meat on the table but did not tell them what it was.
Father said: It is something yuor mother calls me (dear)
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Daughter says: watch out! It must be an аss hole

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It's better to be short than not a tall.

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I tend to avoid funerals...
... I'm just not a mourning person.

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Coach: There's no I in team
Me: But there's an M and an E
Coach: .....
Me: Exactly

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I wanted to make a joke about criminals, but I was scared it would get stolen.

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The other week i walked into a bank with a Frog Costume on and i actually robbed the bank. So yeah thats the first time i ever Kermitted a сriме.

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Did you hear about the bonfire? I heard it was lit.

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What kind of shoes does a реdорhilе wear?
White vans

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Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right, so I left.

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Why did the мidgет get kicked out of the bar?
Because when it came time to pay, he came up short.

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Two old ladies, Mary and Martha met in the town, "Mary, how was the weather on your week's holiday".
"Oh not so bad it only rained twice, Once for four days and once for three"

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A descendant of Eric The Red, named Rudolf the Red, was arguing with his wife about the weather. His wife thought it was going to be a nice day, and he thought it was going to rain. Finally she asked him, how he was so sure. He smiled at her, and calmly said,
"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
(Rudolf the red-nosed raindeer?)

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I just got grounded heres hat happened me and my mom got into a fight and she said son of a b*tch and i said hеll yeah i am kickass if you get it

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Why does a scuba diver fall off the boat backwards?
Because if he fell frontwards he'd still be in the boat!

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I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she was putting up a hеll of a fight and wouldn't let go.
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything. I finally decided that I should help.
It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.

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What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
Stay up all night and wonder if there's a DOG.

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Three guys were stranded in a desert, an american an arab and an indian. They were thirsty and hungry and started loosing hope of survival. As they were walking in the heat they saw an old abandoned car.
They ran to it and the American straight away popped the hood and ripped out radiator telling the other two : whenever im thirsty ill have a sip of water from this.
Next the indian rips off a seat from the car saying: whenever i get tired of walking, ill rest on this seat.
Finally, The arab looks around and suddenly rips the door off.
The other two confused ask him " how is that supposed help you here?"
Arab: whenever i feel hot, ill roll down the window

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If I get 5 kickass i will kikll them

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