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  2. Communication Jokes

Communication Jokes

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Q: What did the basketball say to the player?
A: Please don't shoot me.
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Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.
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A man is in a mall and sees a clothes store.
He sees a magnificent, brand new jacket in the shop window and decides he shall try it on and buy it.
So he walks into the shop and asks an employee:
"Excuse me sir."
"How can I help you" the employee replies.
"Could I by any chance try on that jacket in your shop window?"
The employee looks at him and says "No you shall not you are to try it on in the changing rooms like everybody else!"
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Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (CEOs of MicroSoft, Intel, and AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting.
During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.
Bill says, “Oh, that’s my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I need to take this call.”
So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie.
After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him.
Bill explains, “Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way I can take a call anywhere.”
The others nod and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping.
He states, “Excuse me gentlemen, this must be an important call.”
So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.
When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, “I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth.”
The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fаrт.
He looks up at the others staring at him and says, “Somebody get me a piece of paper… I’m receiving a FAX."
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Q: How can you tell if a lеsвiаn is butch?
A: She kick starts her viвrатоr and rolls her own tampons.
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Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.
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A lawyer and a basketball player want to make a deal.
Suggest a place where both of them would be happy to meet.
Of course, they should at the court.
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Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."
Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."
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Q: Why is the longest human nose on record only 11 inches Long?
A: Because if it will 12 inches then it will a foot.
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Q: What happens when spectroscopists are idle?
A: They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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Do you speak english? Interviewer: Αχμέτ Χουσεϊν Temel Amerika'ya gelir uçaktan iner pasaport olayı filan falan - Do you speak English? — Qual o seu nome? "Name?" Neulich bei der Einwanderungsbehörde: No balcão da Alfandega: Seu nome ? Abu Abdalah Sarafi. Sexo? Quatro vezes por semana. Não - Name? - Abdul Anubi al-Dzabiri. - Sex? - Four times a week - No En man som är dålig på engelska kommer in på en arbetsförmedling i Holland för att söka jobb! - Name - Abu Dalah Sarafi. - Sex? - Four times a week. - No Q: Your name please? A: Abdul Aziz Q: Sex? A: Yes. Two times every week. Q: No no. I mean An arab at the airport: - Name? - Abdul al-Rhazib. - Sex? - Three to five times a week. - No An arab at the airport: - Name? - Abdul al Rahzib. - Sex? - Three to five times a week. - No Q: Naam? A: Abdul Asis Q: Sexe? A: Ja iedere week 2 keer. Q: Nee En la oficina árabe le atienden por teléfono: - ¿Me dice su nombre All’Ufficio Immigrazioni: – Nome? – Mhoamhed. – Sesso? – 5 volte alla settimana. – Ma non in quel senso: maschio o femmina? – No importa Chiedono a Gheddafi: "ciao - NAME? - Muhjmatil Ahmed. - SEX? - Three times a week! - NO - Name? - Abdul al-Rhazib. - Sex? - Three to five times a week. - No An Arab at the airport: - 'Name?' - 'Abdul al-Rhazib.' - 'Sex?' - 'Three to five times a week.' - 'No
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sеx?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy соw!"
Man: "Yes, соw, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
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I play the worlds most dangerous sport.
I disagree with my wife.
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A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down.
He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring.
As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?"
To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!"
And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"
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Q: What do you call Bin Laden when he lost his virginity?
A: Osama Bin Laiden.
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and he really needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled, "Teacher, Teacher, I have to go рее рее!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, you should be old enough to know that this is not the proper word to use?"
"The correct word would be urinate."
"Now Johnny, would you please use the word urinate in a sentence?"
Little Johnny thought for a moment then said:, "You're an eight, but if you had вiggеr воовs you'd be a ten!"
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Chuck Norris never reads the News – because Chuck Norris IS the News.
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Q: What did one воов say to the other воов?
A:
"It is nice to see you partner."
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Man walks into a bar and sits next to another customer.
Bartender comes over and says to the new customer, "what can I get you?"
Customer says "bourbon and coke."
Bartender looks at first customer and says another "вееr Jаскаss?"
He says nods his head yes.
10 minutes later bartender comes back to check to see if customer wants another bourbon and coke and customer says "sure."
Bartender looks at first customer and says "another вееr Jаскаss?"
And customer nods yes.
Bourbon and coke customer says to вееr customer, "Man you are the customer, don't le t that bartender talk to you like that."
Beer customer says "it's ok he al, he al, He always calls me that!"
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