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Got thrown out of my local swimming pool today for urinating. I probably could have got away with it if I was in the pool and not on the diving board.

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I’ve heard some sympathy stories on X Factor but this one definitely got my vote…
‘I nearly didn’t come, but it was my dying brother’s wish to enter me.’

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Back in the day, you might get a few smiles telling this joke:
“Wherever you find four Baptists, you’ll find a fifth.” …..
All those jokes about fifths are gone, along with typewriter jokes, TWA Airlines jokes, rotary dial phone jokes, Bill Clinton jokes, etc. Distilleries don’t sell hоосh by the fifth any more.
Try getting a laugh in the courtroom pleading the 750 Milliliter.

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What тооl does Count Dracula use when he repairs his car?
A Vamplier

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Treat people in wheel chairs like everybody else. Steal the rims.

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Q. Why is life like toilet paper?
A. Because you’re either on a roll or some а$$hоlе is crapping on you.

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I’ve lost my home, I’ve lost control and I can’t see any escape. Definitely time to get a new keyboard.

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Wanna hear a joke? Scroll down.

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What do you call it when a prisoner has to pay for a self taken photo ? A CellFee.

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A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning: first he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour. To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking aback and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked; why don’t you just throw out the реsт? “Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin, we don’t even have an air conditioner.”

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According to my niррlеs, winter is officially here.

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Student: may i use the bathroom?
Teacher: as long as you can recite the alphabet.
Student: abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
Teacher: wheres the p?
Student: running down my leg.

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What is in the beginning of eternity and at the end of time and space?
The letter e

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One day Bill Clinton was talking to Hillary. He was going on a vacation and before he left said,
"Whatever you do don't look under my bed." So while Bill was on vacation Hillary got curious and decided to look under his bed. She found a million dollars and 2 empty вееr cans. When Bill came home she said,
"What's with the two вееr cans under your bed?" Bill replied, "Oh. That marks all the times I've cheated on you."
"Well, I forgive you," said Hillary, "But then what's with the million dollars?" He replied, "I've started to recycle."

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She's so dumb, she couldn't even break a dress code.

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The "I'm not interested" starter pack includes the following texts:
- Maybe.
- Nice.
- Hahah aww...
- Oh...

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Why do they call it rush hour and your car just sits there?

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Girl: do you have a naughty side?
Boy: sometimes i dont do my homework.... On purpose! SO НАRDСОRЕ!

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