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You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.

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How to make a tofu breakfast.
Step 1. Throw tofu into the trash.
Step 2. Get some bacon.

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Why if you boil a egg it makes it hard. But when you boil pasta it makes it soft....

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Normal person flirting: Hey ваве what’s going on?
Me flirting: Your face I like that shiт.

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What’s green and Invisible? This cucumber.

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Apparently, there have been complaints about the film ‘Kick-Аss’ because a twelve year old girl uses the word ‘cu*t’.
Honestly, these people are so out of touch; if I want to hear a twelve year old girl say ‘cu*t’ I can just go to Liverpool. In fact the other day I heard an 11 year old girl say ‘cu*t’ on the bus.
Although to be fair her child was behaving very badly.

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How do Eskimos have babies?
They keep on rubbing their noses together until the little boogers come out.

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I went to pick up my car at the auto repair shop. The mechanic said to me, "I could not repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

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Father: You did well with your chores this week, how would you like a shiny new quarter?
Son: I'd rather have a dirтy old dollar!

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Click here for Thousands of more Wordplay / Pun Jokes

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If you're with me when I die, remember 2 things: 1) Destroy my phone 2) Make DАМN SURE my phones destroyed

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A magician opened his act by making an egg disappear. A heckler in the front row yells out, “That’s nothing, my ex wife made the house disappear!”

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A bloke pulls a Chinese lass up at a club. She say’s, “me so hоrny, me do anything for you”..”Bloke says “how about a 69?”,she says “you fluck off, me no cooking at this time of night!”

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Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.

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Whenever you vote twice on a joke it always says,
" You already voted BRO." I don't get that because what if a girl is looking at these jokes
Kickass if you agree with me!!!

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What if Peter Pan and the lost boys are actually the wondering souls of abortions?
That would explain Captain Hook.

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Whenever I create a job advert I always instantly throw away half of the resumes I receive.
I don’t want unlucky people on my team.

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What flavour ice-cream do electricians like to eat?
Shock-a-lot!

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