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“I hear your husband is a linguist.”
“Yes, he speaks three languages … golf, football, and baseball.

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Answering the phone, the priest was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself as an IRS auditor.
“But we do not pay taxes,” the priest said. “It isn’t you, Father, it’s one of your parishioner, Sean McCullough. He indicates on his tax return that he gave a donation of
$15,000 to the church last year. Is this, in fact, the truth?”
The priest smiled broadly. “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Sean.”

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I gave my number to a really hot girl at the bar and told her to text me when she got home. She must be homeless

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I joined the Weight Watchers dieting club last week. I’m just starting to find my feet at the moment.

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What is worse than a giraffe with a sore neck?
A centipede with athlete's foot.
Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
To a mewseum.

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Little jhonny said to the teacher miss i need to pee
Teacher: wait 1 minute
Jhonny: miss i need to pee
Teacher: sing your alphabet
Jhonny: abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
Teacher: very good jhonny but were's the p
Jhonny: running down my leg

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There are different types of country dancing.... square, round and line.
No one ever told me you need a year of geometry before you can learn to dance!

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Jimmy has 42 candy bars. Jimmy eats 24. What does jimmy have now? Diabetes.. Jimmy has diabetes.

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A guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says,
"What will it be today?" Guy says,
"Well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says,
"Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that."
Guy says,
"That’s how you cut it last time"

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My car has become known locally as ‘the рussy wagon’. Not because I’m good at getting girls but because I cry a lot when I’m alone.

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Be honest, you googled your self

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Why is it when an old person comes up to me at a wedding as says “You’re next” its somehow socially acceptable but when I do the same to them at funeral I get into trouble?

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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs lying in a pile of leaves?
Russell.

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A movie inspired by Cinderella has been announced, where Dr Jekyll falls in love with an Indian lady but she runs away at the sтrоке of midnight, leaving him to go on a journey to find her.
I can’t wait to see Hyde and Sikh.

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If Mexicans are known to sell drugs, what is really in Dora's backpack. I've always thought that girl seemed a little Too happy.

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I had moved to South Carolina from New York and at that time, a vehicle inspection was required to register my car.
I was nervous. My car was in rough shape. I thought of New York State's rigorous inspections. Any number of problems might turn up that would be expensive to fix.
I drove down a country road and found a garage that had an inspection sign. When I told the mechanic what I needed, he circled the car, turned on the lights and honked the horn.
Then he attached a new sticker and asked me for the $3 fee.
I was shocked.
"Is that all you have to do"? I asked.
He answered, "Well, you drove it here, didn't you"?

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What is long, hard and stiff, is used inside a warm, wet place, and gets moved back and forth for the best effect?
A toothbrush.

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Did you know cats can jump higher than a house? This is largely due to the cats powerful hind legs and the fact houses cant jump.

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