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You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

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Good gag for next time you’re on an airplane and the fella next to you falls asleep:
Ask the stewardess to borrow her demonstration mask, put it on and shake him awake with an alarmed look on your face.

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Just been out for a run. Sure, it was a вееr run but I was still sweating by the end.

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Rate this plzs my brother made so this if we dont get 2 kick аss rates he gonna beat the hеll at me

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A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the M25. Motorists have been asked to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals.

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The government is so sтuрid for having multiple life sentences ... Its like yea if you manage to live through one life time... we'll get your аss in the next one. That makes bout much sense as sterilizing lethal injection needles.

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"Home Maintenance".... By Duane Pipe
"Growing up in the Balkans"..... By Hugo Slavia
"Irish Winter Tales"..... By Pete Moss
"Increase Your Brain Power".... By Sarah Bellum
"Looking Into the Wishing Well".... By Eileen Dover
"How to Write a Mystery Novel".... By Page Turner
"Winning Big"..... By Jack Potts
"Vacation Spot in the Tropics".... By Sandy Beech
"I Always Enjoy the Darkness".... By Gladys Knight

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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it's best to just кill yourself.

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No one wished me a happy birthday today, not even my parents. But that makes sense considering it's not even my birthday yet.

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The truth is out there; it just hasn't been indexed well.

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You know his fantasy is to play his last NBA game вuтт-аss nакеd? Yeah. And you know something? I don't want to go to that game. But I bet he'll probably break the rebound record that night.

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Daer egnlihs taecher,
As lnog as the fisrt and lsat lertter are the smae you can sitll raed tihs
Sincrely,
Sellping is not taht imopratnt

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Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting' on the front porch drinking вееr when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sоd went by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

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How can you make a hankerchief more lively?
Put a little boogey in it.

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During a bank heist the Chief told the Sgt. to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away. Later the Sgt. reports to the chief. “Sorry sir but they got away.”
The chief very disappointed says, “I told you to cover all Exist.”
"I did” replied the Sgt. but they got away through the Entrance"

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The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up!

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Me watching the Olympics: Oh wow, that was impressive!
Announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!

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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

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