Jokes

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What do you use if your pumpkin has a hole in it?
A pumpkin patch!

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Why couldn't the poet get a bank loan?
Because he already "ode" too much.

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Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

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I just saw an advert for the new film: ‘The Hole - Now in 3D!’
Well, surely it has to be in 3D otherwise it’s just a circle.

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What do you call it when you spank and a naughty person? A: Statue of liberty

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Did you hear about the accountant with insomnia? He decided to try counting sheep, but he made a mistake and was up all night trying to find it!

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The Slinky: Crushing the happiness of children living in bungalows since 1945.

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A few years ago the pharmacy mixed up toothpaste with my pile cream.
Within a fortnight my gums had shrunk, but my аrsе had the ring of confidence!

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Humans use about 10% of their brain. That is not true until you take a f*cking test.

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Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!

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If i had a dog with a face like yours.... I would shave its аss and make it walk backwards.

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Definition of Salary: A bribe your boss gives you to give up on your dreams.

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There was a race between some lettuce, a tomato and a faucet.
How did it turn out?
Well the lettuce won by a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato tried to ketchup.

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Why does cooking take about six hours, eating only three to five seconds, and washing dishes like seven days and seven nights???

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If a fellow met a fellow in a field of flowers...........
How many "f's" in that?
None.
There are no "F's" in the word: That.

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A lady walked into a boutique and asked the sales lady "May I try on that cute dress in the window?"
The sales lady replied; "Sure, but wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a dressing room?"

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A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; “what is the quickest way to the lake? The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist. “I’m driving.” “That is the quickest way!” the local said.

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My pals called me stingy so I decided to buy them a вееr.
Turns out they wanted one each.

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