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A bloke pulls a Chinese lass up at a club. She say’s, “me so hоrny, me do anything for you”..”Bloke says “how about a 69?”,she says “you fluck off, me no cooking at this time of night!”

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Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down.

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Whenever you vote twice on a joke it always says,
" You already voted BRO." I don't get that because what if a girl is looking at these jokes
Kickass if you agree with me!!!

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Whenever I create a job advert I always instantly throw away half of the resumes I receive.
I don’t want unlucky people on my team.

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What flavour ice-cream do electricians like to eat?
Shock-a-lot!

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What did 2 say to 3 about the unruly 6?
Don't worry about him; he is just a product of our times.

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Following the success of their sister stations Absolute 80’s and Absolute 90’s, Absolute Radio will soon be unveiling a new station specialising in modern hits from the likes of Rhianna, Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift. They’re going to call it “Absolute Shiт.”

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A chemistry teacher set a question which was, mention three gases u know.
Answer: tier gas, fabregas, Bogas

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Last night, I spent 5,000 bucks on a reincarnation seminar...
I figured, "What the heck, you only live once!"

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Q. What’s worse than seeing a baby in a dustbin?
A. Finding a baby in 2 dustbins.

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Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.

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Boss:Where were you born? Sardar:India... Boss:Which part? Sardar:What'which part'?Whole body was born in India.

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Can’t believe what fascists estate agents are. I put my house up for rent the other day and they said it only had 2 bedrooms when it actually has 5 bedrooms. If I want to put a bed in my kitchen, living room and hallway it’s none of their business.

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I recent scientific study has found that a newborn baby can hear and see everything around it for about 10 seconds after being decapitated.

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A garage mechanic comes out to rescue a broken down car. Out of respect for other drivers the mechanic leaves his hazards on while parked on the side of the road. The exhaust from the broken down car has fallen off and needs tying up before the car can be driven onto the mechanic's trailer. The mechanic tells the car owner "As it is only 3:00pm I should be able to have the car ready for you by 5pm". At 5:10pm the mechanic rings the car owner. "Sorry I didn't ring you by 5:00pm, but I only got back to the garage 5 minutes ago. "Why, what happened?" asked the car owner. "My vehicle battery went flat, and I had to ring the garage to ask for another mechanic to come out and rescue me," replied the mechanic.

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The poet had been droning on at the party about his various sources of inspiration. “Yes, he told the young girl. “I’m at present collecting some of my better poems to be published posthumously.” “Lovely,” said the girl. “I’ll look forward to it.”

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There I was totally nакеd.
Two hands running freely all over my body.
No area seemed OFF LIMITS but I wasn’t shy or embarrassed.
Yet I did not experience the euphoria one could imagine.
This was not the first time nor I expect will it be the last.
I waited patiently for any further sensations as these hands wandered seemingly with purpose yet resulting in no response from me.
So these so called hot sтеамy sessions are always flat.
Oh well! - I guess showering is like that! We'll see what happens tomorrow.

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What do a bowling ball and an Antartian have in common?
Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.

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