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Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting' on the front porch drinking вееr when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sоd went by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

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How can you make a hankerchief more lively?
Put a little boogey in it.

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During a bank heist the Chief told the Sgt. to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away. Later the Sgt. reports to the chief. “Sorry sir but they got away.”
The chief very disappointed says, “I told you to cover all Exist.”
"I did” replied the Sgt. but they got away through the Entrance"

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Me watching the Olympics: Oh wow, that was impressive!
Announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!

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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

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You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.

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How to make a tofu breakfast.
Step 1. Throw tofu into the trash.
Step 2. Get some bacon.

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Why if you boil a egg it makes it hard. But when you boil pasta it makes it soft....

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Called to the scene of a magnificent celestial display, the professor watched as a bright object dashed through the skies over New Mexico. When he returned to his observatory, reporters asked him if what he had seen was really a UFO.
Looking them straight in the eye, the impassive scientist replied, “No comet”

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Normal person flirting: Hey ваве what’s going on?
Me flirting: Your face I like that shiт.

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What’s green and Invisible? This cucumber.

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Apparently, there have been complaints about the film ‘Kick-Аss’ because a twelve year old girl uses the word ‘cu*t’.
Honestly, these people are so out of touch; if I want to hear a twelve year old girl say ‘cu*t’ I can just go to Liverpool. In fact the other day I heard an 11 year old girl say ‘cu*t’ on the bus.
Although to be fair her child was behaving very badly.

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I went to pick up my car at the auto repair shop. The mechanic said to me, "I could not repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

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Father: You did well with your chores this week, how would you like a shiny new quarter?
Son: I'd rather have a dirтy old dollar!

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Click here for Thousands of more Wordplay / Pun Jokes

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If you're with me when I die, remember 2 things: 1) Destroy my phone 2) Make DАМN SURE my phones destroyed

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A magician opened his act by making an egg disappear. A heckler in the front row yells out, “That’s nothing, my ex wife made the house disappear!”

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Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne.
"What on earth for?" asked his wife.
"I've left the tickets on it."

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