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Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
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Maybe we'd still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.
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*goes online shopping*
*puts everything i want in a cart*
*checks subtotal*
*laughs and closes tab*
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What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
"Does this taste funny to you?"
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Why did the cook get fired from his job?
Because he beat the eggs and whipped the cream.
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Does watching a film with the subtitles on, count as reading the book?
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The ultimate fuск this shiт moment when you hit the power button on the remote and your cable box turns off and your tv turns on.......
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Girl: Do u like me
Guy: No
Girl: :(
Guy: You never said I loved you
Girl: Awwww u love me
Guy: No
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I hate living in the Tetris flats. Someone moved into the empty apartment next door, and the entire fuскing floor disappeared.
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Q:Why was the ghost arrested?
He had no haunting license.
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After reading this, you'll realize the the brain doesn't recognize the second "the".
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I was on a Ryanair flight last week. I know it’s a low cost airline, but they’ve even started cutting back on health and safety.
The stewardess said, “You’ll find the emergency exits here, here, and here.”
She pointed to the same door three times.
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So I was visiting my uncle Angus over in scottland, and we got to talking, and he tells me the following
See this bar here lad? I built this bar with me bare hands. I planed the wood, sanded, stained it, nailed it, put me sweat and blood into it. But do they call be Angus the bar-builder? No… See that fence outside? Aye, i built that too. I shaped the wood, dug the holes, measured and planted the posts meself. But do they call be Angus the fence-builder? NO! That boat outside lad, aye, built that meself to! I chopped down the tree’ dried and warped the wood, nailed it and tarred it with me bare hands! But do they call me Angus the boat-builder? no! But you fuск one sheep laddie.
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The following conversation took place after being called by an accident compensation helpline.
Operator: Good afternoon sir, we’re calling about your recent accident.
Me: How did you know about that? At first I though it was just a fаrт but then I ended up shiттing myself.
Operator: *Hangs up the phone*
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Boy: your teeth are like the stars.
Girl: wow омg they are qute right.
Boy: no, they are far from each other.
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Age is just the number of hours I'm hungover for.
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What did the idiот do with the flea in his ear?
He shot it!
What do you call the flea that lives in the idiот's ear?
The space invader!
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How do you know you should not be driving because you have had too much to drink?
When you swerve to hit a tree and then realize that it was only your car air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror!
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