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If my grandmother ever found out how much I spent on her funeral. She would be spinning in her ditch.

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Me and my partner have come under heavy criticism lately after being the first couple in our village to do a gаy adoption. I just don’t see why I should spend the next 16 years of my life raising a child that looks gаy.

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When I was older, I used to love playing around with time machines.

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People don't get my puns. They think they're funny.

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Do you know why medical facilities in Phoenix, Arizona treat substantially more tourist for heat exhaustion every summer than they do locals?
It’s because tourist think you can actually tan outside.

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Being bald isn’t all that bad.
This morning I got stuck in a manhole, so firemen managed to pull me to safety with a toilet plunger.

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I read something the other day that made me рiss myself.
It was a sign that said “Toilets closed”

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I remember in the old days when people used to get mad if you read their diary. Now people put everything online and get mad when you don’t read it.

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Did you know if you put your ear next to your girlfriends аrsеhоlе you can hear her say, “What the fuск are you doing?

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I just did a computer rendition of what I'd look like fifty years from now.
Apparently fifty years from now I'll look like a hand full of dirt.

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Do you know what's corny?
A field of corn.

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I hate teachers who give homework over break. Like do you not understand what a break is? Do you want me to demonstrate on your neck?

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Cars and People are alike...
Some go Forward, some go in Reverse, and some just go around in circles.

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Q. Who were the first people on Earth ?
A. The Indians they had A Reservation.

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Can’t believe it’s pancake day today.
It’s really crêped up on me.

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They can get rid of page three, that's the water landing section. There is no useful information there. At the top, they show you how to use your seat-bottom cushion as a flotation device. I don't want to present myself as a genius, but if I am drowning and something is floating, I will figure out how to operate it.

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A girl heard her mom yell her name from downstairs, so she got up and started to head down. As she got to the stairs, her mom pulled her into her room and said,
"I heard that, too."

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If you are offered a penny for your thoughts and you give your two cents worth, where does the other penny go?

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