Jokes

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You think it's possible for them to design an electric car that doesn't look like a gаy spaceship?

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Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

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How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.

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The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious.
“Hey,” he called out to the waitress, “these particles in my soup - aren’t they foreign objects?”
She is scrutinizing his bowl. “No, sir!” she reassured him. “Those things live around here.”

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“Tell me,” the teacher asked her students, “do you know what the word ‘can’t’ is short for?” “Yes,” said little Lucy. “It’s short for ‘cannot.’”
“Very good. And what about ‘don’t’?”
Little Matt’s hand shot up. “That,” he said with authority, “is short for ‘doughnut.’”

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Boy: You like bad boys, right?
Girl: Yeah.
Boy: Well, I don't mean to brag or anything, but I went on DisneyChannel. Com without my parents permission!
Girl: *Sarcastic* Wow, whatta bad boy, what's next, not doing your homework on purpose?
Boy: Hold on, girl, I'm getting there.

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A joke is either funny or it’s not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that’s what I do. I don’t start a focus group to see whose feelings got hurt by the joke.

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Teacher:
"You copied from Tim's exam paper didn't you?"
Pupil:
"How did you know?"
Teacher:
"Tim's paper says 'I don't know' and you put 'Me neither'!"

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That awkward moment when you decide what song you would have at your funeral.

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The only thing I use BING for is to search Google.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He sees another guy drinking, and notices he is sitting next to a tiny person playing a piano on the bar.
"Nice piano player" the guy says. "Where did you get that."
The drinking guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lamp. "Here, rub the lamp and you will get three wishes." He says. "Just make sure you speak clearly"
The guy rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "You have three wishes" the genie says.
"A million bucks!" The guy shouts, and with the nod of the genies head, one million ducks appear in the bar, quacking and flapping about."
Disappointed the guy says,
"I didn't ask for a million ducks!"
His drinking buddy leans over and mutters, "Do you think I asked for an 11 inch pianist?"

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The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.
"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.
"We burn it," was the answer.
"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.
"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U. S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."

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Recently while attending a dinner party, by way of conversation, the guest seated beside me asked "do you stir your coffee with your right hand or your left?” to which I replied "My right hand”. The response "interesting indeed, I stir mine with a spoon!”

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I watched that Disney film Frozen in 4D.
We switched off the heating.

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Ventriloquist: Hey buddy. Why don't you spell Apple for the audience.
Dummy: Can I go to the bathroom first?
Ventriloquist: Come on just spell Apple.
Dummy: I really need to go.
Ventriloquist: Just spell Apple first.
Dummy: All right. Apple. A-L-E
Ventriloquist: A-L-E? What happened to the P-P?
Dummy: It's running down your arm.

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The boy scout motto .... On my honor I"ll do my best to help a girl scout undress her dress, to smoke cigars and cigarettes, to take whats mine and steal the rest.

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Got drunк and did my taxes. I'm getting back a million dollars, 2 slaves and somehow the state of Georgia. This can't be right...

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I’ve just watched the uncut version of Scarface.
It was just called ‘Face’.

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