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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me.
I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way.

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What did the mummy sardine say to her children when they saw a submarine?
Don't worry, it's only a tin of people..

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Two cannibals decided to go mountain climbing. They gathered up their gear, and in case they got hungry they packed up a bunch of body parts to munch on. Things were going quite well until they reached a crevice in the trail they were on. Even though it was only 3 feet wide, looking down they saw that it was a 1000 foot drop to the bottom.
"I suppose we could try to jump across, it's only 3 feet," said Rasheed.
"I don't think that's wise," replied Anwar. "One slip, and it's certain death. Wait! I have an idea!" Rustling through his knapsack, he grabs a severed leg and lays it across the gaping fissure.
"What are you planning to do with that?" asked Rasheed.
Answered Anwar, "I'm going out on a limb!"

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I’ve just ordered a new door веll online.
The problem is I wont know when it arrives.

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Hey, I'm writing poem for my wife. What rhymes with "leaving you next week"?

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It's funny how the colors red, white aND blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car. Kickass this if it made you laugh.

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"Why couldn't the Indian get into his tee рее?
He had no reservations

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My girlfriend has started a diet with the aim to lose 15 lbs for our wedding day, She achieved it today as I raided her purse.

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Why did the devil that backed into an electric fаn go to a liquor store?
Answer: He had heard that that's where they "retail spirits."

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Wife: honey, can i hold henry? (their new baby)
Husband: wait until he cries.
Wife: why??
Husband: because i cant find him!!!!!!

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I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

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What do you call a соw jumping over a barbed-wire fence?
An "utter" disaster!

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It was an extremely rough English Channel crossing from Weymouth to Jersey, and one wretched green-faced passenger was hugging the rail when a steward approached him.
“Lunch, sir?” asked the tactless steward.
“No, thanks,” groaned the passenger. “Jus throw it overboard and save me the touble…

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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”
“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her.
“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously. “I’ll take the special.”
“How do you want your eggs?”
“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied. She took the eggs home.

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There's a sаdisт and a маsосhisт locked in a room. The sаdisт is starting to freak out and says please, please hit me. The маsосhisт just smiles and says “no.”

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Do not read the next sentence.
You little rebel, I like you.

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Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

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I hate it whenever I’m in the car and I see one of those road signs that says “Draw Bridge Ahead” and I don’t have a pencil.

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