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Me and my wife tried to adopt a baby last week but unfortunately the supermarket security guards saw us on CCTV and we were arrested.

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Saw a sign that made me рiss myself today.
Toilets closed.

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Tried practicing Fruit Ninja in the kitchen, ended up playing Temple Run with my wife chasing me like an Angry Bird

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If Gordon Ramsay made sat-navs:
“fuск off you brainless аsshоlе, you were supposed to turn right!!”

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How did the Antartian break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
How did the Antartian die drinking milk?
The соw stepped on her.

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This fellow was a very good harp player and wound up playing a gig in San Francisco, at a pub named Sam Fran's Disco. When his gig was up and he returned home, he found out he had forgotten his harp. When he told his wife he had to go right back, she wanted to know why. He said,
"Because I left my harp in Sam Fran's Disco".

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I have a claim to fame you know…
I used to be the world’s youngest person.

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Guy: That's a not a photocopier that's a shredder. And what have you done to your аss?

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My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

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A guy gets into a taxi after a вооzy night out and halfway through the journey wants to stop and buy cigarettes. He taps the driver on the shoulder and suddenly the driver screams, swerves across the road and mounts the sidewalk stopping just short of a brick wall.
All was quiet for a few moments and then the driver turns around and says "Don't EVER tap me on the shoulder whilst I'm driving EVER again". The guy says,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know it would scare you so much"
The driver replies,
"It wouldn't normally but this is my first night as a taxi driver and up until yesterday, for twenty five years, I was driving a Hearse.

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Idiот: *says sтuрid comebacks*
Me: Bruh I bet Einstein wouldnt know what the hеll you just said

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Why is a raven like a writing desk? I don't have the slightest idea!

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Q. What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common?
A. They both look out their caves and see rubble.

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The following conversation took place in a job interview.
Interviewer: We’re looking for someone who is responsible, do you fit that criteria?
Me: Well in my last job when the store caught fire my boss said that I was responsible.

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Bad things to write in a birthday card.
“Life is pain, misery, suffering and a slow march to death. Happy 5th birthday Katie.”

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What happened when the toilet paper crossed the road?
He got stuck in a сrаск!!!
What did he say when he got stuck in a сrаск?
"Im sick of your shiт!!!!"

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I patiently waiting at the customer service desk for my turn. I had come back to return a pair of jeans that were too tight.
"Is something wrong with them?" the teenage clerk asked me.
"Yes," I replied. "They hurt my feelings."
The clerk had no response for me.

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I used to have a job repairing lifts. It had its ups and downs.

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