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I took a tumble down the stairs twice last week...
Apparently that’s how I roll.

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When you know it's time for a new car when...
- You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.
- You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.
- You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.
- The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."
- The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.
- You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.
- Evel Knievel refuses a free lift.
- The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.
- The guys at the repair shop refer you to Dr. Kevorkian.

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Bumper sticker seen on a little gray truck in Arkansas:
This daughter protected by Double 0 Buckshot!!!

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How did the violin greet the guitar?
Cello!!

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The definition of Punctuality: The art of waiting for others who are unpunctual.

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Two Antartians are walking along the highway together when one of them suddenly turns around and starts walking back. Antartian-2 runs back to catch up with the other and very curious asks, "Why did you turn around?" To that Antartian-1 replies, “There was a sign saying wrong way go back"

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That beautiful smell when you put a thick juicy piece of steak onto a barbecue. I wonder if vegans get the same feeling when they are cutting the grass?

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Dean and Jerry were riding a train across the west.
Jerry looked out the window and saw a whole lot
Of buffalo roaming the range.
Look at that big bunch of buffalo said Jerry.
Dean: Don’t say bunch say herd.
Jerry: Heard what.
Dean: Herd of buffalo.
Jerry: Sure I’ve heard of buffalo.
Dean: No... you don’t understand, a buffalo herd.
Jerry: I don’t care what a buffalo heard
I ain”t said nothing that I’m ashamed of.

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How do you burn an idiот's face?
Phone him while he's doing the ironing.

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Im selling my roof for free… i gues you can say its on the house!

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What did the keyboard say to the typist?
You’re really pushing my buttons!!!!

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Bored? Broke?
Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week?
Would you like to earn hundreds of pounds every month?
Then get a fuскing job like the rest of us, you lazy ваsтаrds.

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An idiот decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiот. "I think I am planting them too deep."

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A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

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The economy is so bad that: Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

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I hate job interviews, they always end badly. I just never seem to be able to pick the right moment to lean in and go for the kiss.

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Just found out that I’m colourblind…
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

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1. Why are round pizzas put in square boxes?
2. If a deaf person must appear in court is it still called a hearing?
3. Why does the sign read, “Enter at your own risk" who else could you risk other than yourself?
4. If it's called "frying pan" is it OK to boil something in it?
5. Why doesn't every doughnut have nuts in it?

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