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Cars and People are alike...
Some go Forward, some go in Reverse, and some just go around in circles.

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Q. Who were the first people on Earth ?
A. The Indians they had A Reservation.

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Can’t believe it’s pancake day today.
It’s really crêped up on me.

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A girl heard her mom yell her name from downstairs, so she got up and started to head down. As she got to the stairs, her mom pulled her into her room and said,
"I heard that, too."

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If you are offered a penny for your thoughts and you give your two cents worth, where does the other penny go?

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Did you water the plants, Sofia, asked the mistress of the house?
“Of course, ma’am,” Sofia said. “Don’t you hear the water dripping on the carpet?”

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1. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
2. A few beers short of a six-pack.
3. Dumber than a box of hair.
4. A few peas short of a casserole.
5. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one bowl.
6. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
7. One taco short of a combination plate.
8. Cranially challenged.
9. All foam no вееr.
10. The cheese slid off of his сrаскеr.

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After the dance, young Charles asked the young girl if he could see her home - so she showed him a picture of it.

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Annoying dude: There should be a warning on my diск! Chocking hazard!
Me:Isn't that a label they put on small objects?

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"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation."
"And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy up..."

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Husband and wife had a fight. Husband wants to leave the house with his dog. Wife sees him.
Wife: Where are you going with this donkey?
Husband: It's not a donkey,it's a dog!
Wife: Shut up, I was talking to the dog!

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“What sort of an act do you do?’
“I bend over backwards and pick up a handkerchief with my teeth.”
“Anything else?”
“Then I bend over backwards and pick up my teeth

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It's not often that one gets the opportunity to speak about someone intelligent, respected and admired. Unfortunately tonight I have to talk about (NAME).

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My wife is vegetarian; she wanted me to try it.
So I put salad dressing on my hamburger, not bad!

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The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rate. “
Waiter,” he barked, “didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’?
“I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter.
“I hardly ever get a compliment.”

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A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning.
Thousands of fans attended.

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I find myself drawn to people that are intelligent and funny…and a little perverted.

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Did you know that "dаммiт i'm mad" spelled backwards is "dаммiт I'm mad"?

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