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It was an extremely rough English Channel crossing from Weymouth to Jersey, and one wretched green-faced passenger was hugging the rail when a steward approached him.
“Lunch, sir?” asked the tactless steward.
“No, thanks,” groaned the passenger. “Jus throw it overboard and save me the touble…

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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”
“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her.
“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously. “I’ll take the special.”
“How do you want your eggs?”
“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied. She took the eggs home.

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There's a sаdisт and a маsосhisт locked in a room. The sаdisт is starting to freak out and says please, please hit me. The маsосhisт just smiles and says “no.”

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Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

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I hate it whenever I’m in the car and I see one of those road signs that says “Draw Bridge Ahead” and I don’t have a pencil.

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If my grandmother ever found out how much I spent on her funeral. She would be spinning in her ditch.

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Me and my partner have come under heavy criticism lately after being the first couple in our village to do a gаy adoption. I just don’t see why I should spend the next 16 years of my life raising a child that looks gаy.

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When I was older, I used to love playing around with time machines.

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When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said,
"I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said,
"You left your cell phone at the convenience store."

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People don't get my puns. They think they're funny.

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Do you know why medical facilities in Phoenix, Arizona treat substantially more tourist for heat exhaustion every summer than they do locals?
It’s because tourist think you can actually tan outside.

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Being bald isn’t all that bad.
This morning I got stuck in a manhole, so firemen managed to pull me to safety with a toilet plunger.

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I remember in the old days when people used to get mad if you read their diary. Now people put everything online and get mad when you don’t read it.

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Did you know if you put your ear next to your girlfriends аrsеhоlе you can hear her say, “What the fuск are you doing?

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I just did a computer rendition of what I'd look like fifty years from now.
Apparently fifty years from now I'll look like a hand full of dirt.

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Do you know what's corny?
A field of corn.

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I hate teachers who give homework over break. Like do you not understand what a break is? Do you want me to demonstrate on your neck?

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Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

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