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A wannabe singer was auditioning for a part in a musical, in which she had to sing a song. She gave it her best shot and when she was done, asked the producer if she hit all the right notes.
"You certainly did," the producer replied. "You packaged them quite conveniently around all the wrong ones."

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What is sure confidence?
Solving crossword puzzles with a fountain pen.

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After waking up with a hangover this morning I’ve realized drinking is never the answer… But it can help you to forget the question.

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A lonely stranger went into a deserted restaurant and ordered the breakfast special. When his order arrived, he looked up at the waitress and asked, “How about a kind word?” The waitress leaned over and whispered, “Don’t eat the meat.”

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Columbus Day always reminds me of the brave exploration party Columbus assembled in 1492, with all four ships sailing off into the unknown. You remember the names of his four ships: The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria and the Clyde. You don't hear too much about the Clyde anymore, since that's the one that sailed over the edge.

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Q. Why did the detective get fired after the peanut factory was robbed?
A. Because he refused to deal with a nut case.

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Q. What word does heavenly angels use most often to greet each other?
A. Halo!

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If a mime dies, would there be words spoken at his or her funeral?

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Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten

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Q. How do you find your inner child?
A. Coat hanger.

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What does fiat stand for? Fix It Again Tony.

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You know you’ve had a good curry when it’s spicier coming out than it was going in.

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Heard on the radio today that someone in the world crashes their car every 30 seconds. Maybe they should take away his licence.

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My mum walked in my room the other day and said…
“You’ll go blind if you do that.”
I was so embarrassed, I dropped my binoculars and missed the eclipse.

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A cannibal chief invited over another cannibal chief from a different tribe over for dinner. They sit down and eat the best meat. After dinner, the visiting cannibal chief said,
"Wow that was good! Your wife makes the best meat." Then the other cannibal chief said,
"Yeah, I'm gonna miss her..."

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English classes would be much easier if Shakespeare's mom had an abortion.

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We only have 2 minutes left before we die… but every time you breath it resets the clock.

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I had a dream this morning that I was floating on a giant mushroom but when I woke up I was shocked to discover that I’d actually crashed into a nursery.

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