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When I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday she said 'Just gimme something with diamonds.' That's why I got her a pack of cards.

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Bratwurst
Sauerkraut
Cabbage
Potatoes
Cheese
Beetroot
Onions
Bread
Butter
Schindler’s mum’s list.

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I suppose the reason Eskimos have so many words for snow, is that otherwise, I spy would be shiт.

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Earlier today I swallowed two pieces of string and they came out tied together.
I shiт you knot.

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Space Shuttles, they leave the earth white and they return white... What I'm trying to say is, it's time NASA went public with their sunscreen!

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Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he?

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Why is the letter W called double-u and not double-V?

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If Video game shopkeepers existed in real life the way they do in the replenishment/reward shops in the video games, business would be booming.
…
Example of a Pharmacy:
“I’ll take 99 boxes of Tylenol, 99 tetanus shots, 99 vials of clear eyes, and what’s in that little box over there? sсrеw it -I’ll take 99 of them as well.”
“Very good sir, may I ask what you will be using these for?”
“Who says I’m gonna use them?”

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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Definition of Clothes Dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.

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I was walking past an ATM, and I saw and old lady. She said "Kind sir may you please help me check my balance". I said sure, so I pushed here over. Her balance was terrible.

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Got a free tattoo on my arm yesterday. All I had to do was accidentally pour boiling water on myself.

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Did you hear about the teacher with the two lazy eyes? Apparently he can’t control his pupils.

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I came out of a human because somebody came in a human.

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Strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go “aaaaagghhhh” and everyone just stares at you in disgust.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

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Why are girls and calculus similar?
We both don't understand them!!

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My parents keep telling me to stop sitting on this computer all day and to stop being a smart-аrsе.
Actually, I sit on the chair.

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Electile Dysfunction - the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President, put forth by either party in the 2016 election year.

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