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Q. What do homeless people look at when they’re on a computer?
A. The recycle bin.

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Saying there are no aliens in the universe is like scooping a cup of water out of the ocean and saying there is no fish.

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It's all fun and games until Grandpa has a flashback during Battleship.

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KARATE MASTER: What people turn into when they walk into a spider web.

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I used to think the brain was the most important оrgаn.
Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

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How many graduate students does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

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Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture on a cold winter.
A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut
Across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and
Wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the
Other side. "Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is
Trying to pull the wool over our ice."

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I can spot an innie and an outie belly button on the beach from a mile away...
That's because I graduated with honors from the U. S Navel Academy.

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I’m so chuffed about the price of fuel coming down.
I’ll soon be able to afford to use my Zippo again.

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Stuck here in traffic, having random, even preposterous thoughts… Suppose Bruce (or is it Caitlyn?) Jenner disappeared. Would they put “her” missing person’s picture on cartons of Half and Half?

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My grasp of the English language is so amazing I actually invented a new word the other day, it’s called “plagiarism”.

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Real Madrid and nothing else. #LaUndecima #HalaMadrid

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I’m going to buy a farm two miles long and half inch wide said Jed.
What, would you grow on a farm that size, asked Roger.
Spaghetti, said Jed.

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If this gets 75 kickasses I will literally fuск a duck. Not even joking... please don't kickass.

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Don’t spend two dollars to clean a white shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll wash it, iron it and starch the collar. Then they will put it on a hanger.
Tomorrow morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

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You know you’ve had a good night out when you wake up in your next door neighbours house surrounded by 20 traffic cones.

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Q. What has two circles on either end, and is high in the middle?
A. Ohio

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The following quotes are reported to have been taken from actual Federal (U. S.) employee performance evaluations:
- "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
- "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiот."
- "He would argue with a signpost."
- "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
- "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
- "Takes him two hours to watch 60 minutes."

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