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There was an Antartian sitting on the living room floor painting with four coats on. When her husband got home he asked,
"Honey, why are you wearing four coats and painting?" The Antartian replied, "The paint can says the color is better with 3 or 4 coats."

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If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That’s why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.

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I’ll never forget my 1st week as a detective, it was terrifying. I kept seeing ghosts at every сriме scene but then I found out they actually use white blankets to cover the dead.

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What is the longest word in the world?
Smiles ... because there is a MILE between the first and last letter.

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Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Tiruvananthapuram.
Teacher: Spell it.
Student: Sorry, I meant Goa.

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What is Experience?
The name people give to their mistakes.

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I'm so hungry that I could eat a TV dinner right about now.
The problem is, my TV is вiggеr than my microwave!

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My mate said “It must be strange having a surname like Head”
I said “It’s much worse for my uncle Diск”

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"I'm a little worried about our mailman. Last week I found a pile of bones on the front walk and the dog was picking his teeth with a postcard."

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Just been sacked from my job as a chef for stealing.
I’ve always been whisk taker.

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Did you hear about the new garlic diet?
You don't actually lose weight, but you look thinner from a distance.

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How do young wizards and witches correct their homework?
They use a spell-checker.

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I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I'm in a marching band.

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Do you want to know Victoria's Secret? Their lingerie doesn't look the same on your wife as it does on their models.

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A good looking girl waved at me today…
But there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

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Just got fired from my job as a postman for throwing letters in the trash. What did they expect? On my CV I clearly stated that I was the Bruce Lee of laziness with a black belt in partial arts.

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You know you're driving a hunk of junk when you're going down the road and you're having tow trucks circle you.

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If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.

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