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I used to be in a band called “Frequent Urination”.
You might have heard of us. We had several number ones.
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Went to a positive thinking course last week, it was sh*t.
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An idiот guy walks up to the door of a bar, rolling a wheel along with him. The bouncer says, “Hey, what are you doing with that?”
“Last time I came here, they said we had to have proper IDs and a tire.”
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20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters I
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf ваlls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come.
When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers.
Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room.
When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your
Head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
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An important official who was visiting an insane asylum made a telephone call but had difficulty getting his number. Finally, in exasperation, he shouted to the operator, “Look here, miss, do you know who I am?” “No,” she replied calmly, “but I now where you are.”
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You know a song is bad if it is put in Alvin and the Chipmunks.
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Crush: Can i tell you something?
Me: Yeah
Crush: I Love U
Me: Really!!! I can't believe it!! :
')
Crush: Yes, it is my favourite vowel
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If you could have the weight of the world on your shoulders couldn't you let it go so the whole cast Jersey shore could die
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My Pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard and they’re like “do you wanna trade cards?” Dамn right, I wanna trade cards, I will trade you… but not my Charizard.
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A guy drove to the beach and parked his car close to the water's edge - not realizing it was Low Tide - then he went for a long hike up into the mountains. During his excursion, High Tide came and then receded - completely submersing his car for a period of time in the process. When he finally returned to his car - he became very concerned when he found out that he had Tuna in his Mercury!
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Toothbrush:sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world!????
Toilet paper:Yea right????
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Q. What did the salt say to the pepper?
A. Hey Baby, what's SHAKING!
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When I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday she said 'Just gimme something with diamonds.' That's why I got her a pack of cards.
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Bratwurst
Sauerkraut
Cabbage
Potatoes
Cheese
Beetroot
Onions
Bread
Butter
Schindler’s mum’s list.
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I suppose the reason Eskimos have so many words for snow, is that otherwise, I spy would be shiт.
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Guys, this was actually a real tweet from the actor Morgan Freeman.
@FreemanVerified: I'm still alive you sтuрid f*cktards. Please stop confusing me with #NelsonMandela. Thank you.
(it's a true tweet)LOL
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Earlier today I swallowed two pieces of string and they came out tied together.
I shiт you knot.
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Space Shuttles, they leave the earth white and they return white... What I'm trying to say is, it's time NASA went public with their sunscreen!
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