Jokes

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As I sat down next to a bloke on the bus he gave me a really strange look.
“That’s typical,” I thought. “The bus is empty and yet I still end up sitting next to a fuскing nutcase.”

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My Grandma died on her 100th birthday. It was a real shame, we were only half way though giving her the bumps.

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Can’t believe how nice some people are. Got a compliment today about my driving. Someone left a message on my wind-shield that said ‘parking fine’.

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"How much for the Horse tornado?"
"Sir, that's a carousel."
"I must have one"

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What do you call it when an Antartian gets taken over by a demon?
A vacant possession

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After struggling for many hours deep within the forest
Of stately hardwoods, the new lumberjack finally quit. He just couldn't hack it.

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668 - The neighbour of the beast.

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That moment when you're taking a test and you want everyone to know you're ahead so you flip the page as loud as possible.

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Just had a really interesting conversation with a Psychology graduate about how on average people tend to day-dream about 40% of the time. He also said something else that was interesting but I forgot the rest of the conversation, will have to ask him again next time he serves me in McDonald’s.

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I’ve just Wrote a really awesome song about fajitas… Well it’s more of a wrap really.

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I don't really do, like, a big exploding joke at the end 'cause this is a job and I treat it just like you treat your job. Whatever it is you do for eight hours a day, right before you clock out, you don't start doing yours extra good, do you?

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The reading material at the barbershop consisted entirely of мurdеr stores, mysteries, thrillers, and ghost tales.
When Peter asked the barber if he wanted to terrify his customers he replied.
“No Peter. These books make the customers’ hair stand up and then it becomes
Easier to trim and cut.”

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During a training exercise, an army unit was late for afternoon inspection.
“Where are those camouflage trucks?” the irate colonel barked.
“They’re here somewhere,” replied the sergeant, “but we can’t find’em.”

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Not sure what’s longer.
A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.

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I've always wondered what a German history book looked like.
"We f*cked up here, here, Big time here, here...."

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A fantastic new series of billboard ads are now displaying along several highways, encouraging drivers to slow down. The billboards read:
Being "Mister Late" is always better than being the "Late Mister".

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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…then I was petrified.

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I never realized how common Tourettes syndrome was until I got a job as a traffic warden.

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