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Whenever i get pulled over, i do my very best to get away with what i did. Last time i got pulled over;
Cop: You know why i stopped you??
I looked at him with a straight face and said;
Me: CUZ IM BLACK!! (even though im not black)
The cop was wide-eyed after i said that.
Me: Haha hеll yea. Wasup playa??
The cop turned on his flashlight and looked at me.
Cop: get the hеll outta here sтuрid!!
I drove off happy to know i didnt get a ticket.
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Q. Why did Bill Gates produce a smelly fаrт in the Apple store?
A. Because they didn’t have Windows.
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My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight away I was cheating on her, there was no fuскing chance I was going to tell her that I was an Avon Rep.
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Do you want to hear a joke?
Joke websites that aren't kickass humor
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Am I the only one who wants their casket to be lit on fire and launched into space with a bunch of fireworks going off at their funeral? Yes? Dамn what about being buried in a minefield.
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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said,
"Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elders comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
Watch out for these jerks, they have come to steal your land."
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Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
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Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
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“Hi? Is this the mental hospital?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can I speak to Mr. Scott in room ten?
“One moment and I’ll connect you …. I’m sorry, Mr. Scott in not answering.”
“Good. That means I must have really escaped.”
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Teacher: Could you give these papers to the teacher over there?
Guy: I could, but I don't want to.
Teacher: ...
Guy: It's a question, right?
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Did you hear about the cannibals that attended the wedding?
They toasted the bride and groom.
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What did the magnet say to the other magnet hanging on the refrigerator next to it?
I'm attracted to you.
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An Idiот was eating in a restaurant and suddenly, he started singing aloud to the pleasure of the other customers. After eating, he stood up to go without paying for his meal. "You haven't paid for your meal" said a waitress to him to which he replied "what do you make of my entertainment then?" Getting annoyed, the waitress replied, “no one asked you to entertain anyone," to which the Idiот replied "no one asked me to come and eat here either."
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Преди да умра ще изям цял пакет сурови пуканки. Това ще направи процеса на кремация много по-забавен. Lige før min død vil jeg spise en hеl pose popcornkerner Min kremering bliver legendarisk!
Before I die I’m gonna swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels.
My cremation is gonna be epic.
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My neighbor recently received an unexplained head injury while in his garden and had to go to hospital. Luckily his house is only a stones throw away from mine and I was able to find him and call for help.
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I went to the best fortune-teller in Manchester and she gave me an envelope to open on the next rainy day.
Then it came and I read
“It’s raining today.”
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Everyone hates when this happens
*You cursin someone out in an argument over text*
Other person:Well b*tch everyone says that
You: Вiтсh I don't give two ducks about what everyone else ducking says. (*in your head* Fuuucckkkiinnn autocorrect!!!!!!)
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There’s nothing worse than waking up next to someone after a night out drinking and not remembering who they are, how you met them or why they are dead.
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