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Loving the new mp3 car horn I’ve recently installed. It’s amazing how much quicker people get out of your way when they start hearing gunshots.

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Went to a barbershop today for a shave. The barber wanted me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth to get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I said:
“What if I swallow the ball?”
He said:
“No problem, just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.”

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I was the only bloke in a pre-screening of 50 shades of grey, but I could tell it was going to be a good film,
The place was buzzing.

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I woke up with a dead leg this morning. That’s the last time I take out a loan with the mafia.

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Everybody seems to be so worried about the Earth because it is getting hotter.
Doesn’t anyone actually believe this is all the Sun’s fault?
I mean I’m no scientist but I’m sure that мотhеrfuскеr is giving off all the heat.
All I can say is when I burn my toast I don’t blame the bread…

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It is said that, you can't buy happiness. You only need to know the right places...

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Q. What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?
A. The cold shoulder.

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What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?
If you don't know, I'm never having you over my house to use the bathroom!

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Three engineering firms were competitively bidding on Red-Sea tunnel project for the government of Egypt. The first engineer stands before the board and begins describing how he will accomplish the task. He says,
"We will begin boring from both sides of the sea and join the tubes in the middle. Our plan has 10% margin of error for missing the center point but we have B-plan ready to rectify the error and finish the tunnel."
Second engineer comes in and describes his plan. "We will begin boring on both ends and meet in the middle. Our calculations may have 5% margin of error and our plan B is ready to rectify and connect the tunnel if needed."
Third engineer begins his presentation and says,
"We will begin boring on both ends of the sea and meet in the middle. If successful, we'll connect the tubes and you'll have your tunnel. If we are not, then you'll have two tunnels."

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My wife walked in and handed me a wing mirror.
I said, “How the fuск did you manage to rip that off?”
She said, “I didn’t, that’s all that’s left of the car.”

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What do cows read for bed time

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I felt sorry for our dog the missus is always telling him off like just "stop chewing my stuff" and "off the pillow ", so i said "your always telling him off if your not shouting get off the pillow or chewing сrар its stop licking me"
"Eh!" she said "i wouldn't tell him off for that!"

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Q. What do homeless people look at when they’re on a computer?
A. The recycle bin.

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Saying there are no aliens in the universe is like scooping a cup of water out of the ocean and saying there is no fish.

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It's all fun and games until Grandpa has a flashback during Battleship.

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What do you call an escalator that stalls?
Stairs!

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KARATE MASTER: What people turn into when they walk into a spider web.

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I used to think the brain was the most important оrgаn.
Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

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