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There’s nothing worse than waking up next to someone after a night out drinking and not remembering who they are, how you met them or why they are dead.
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Person: Where do you find all your chicks? Me: Kfc
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Why didn't the Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's вuтт was more manageable.
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I just saw an ad on the New York City subway that read...
“Learn to read and speak English. Call us now!"
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When people ask me what my best qualities are, I always tell them my second best quality is being mysterious.
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What kind of dress can't be put on?
An address.
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China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
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I asked my wife what she thought of her sneak preview of the film version of ‘Fifty shades of grey’.
“The book was wetter, ” she replied.
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A group of hippies gathered underneath the Washington Monument around a small bond fire.
A drunк staggered by took a long look at them and then a long look up at the Monument.
After a deep thought moment, the drunк says to the group, "You'll never get that rocket off the ground."
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Don’t ever mix Viаgrа with Iron Supplements.
It will cause you to spin around and point north.
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Hunting was a big disappointment this past weekend. After exiting the main road my navigation device said,
"Bear left", so I just went home.
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Mary comes home rather late. “Oh, sweetheart,” she called, “your car’s on Maple Street.”
“Why didn’t you bring it home?” her husband asked. “Couldn’t, she said. “It’s too dark out there to find all the parts.”
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We got some free child care the other day.
We simply delayed going to the lost and found announcement.
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Has one ever noticed that when one drops a piece of toast it always lands caviar side down?
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Me and my ex broke up because we just weren't compatible. See, I'm a Scorpio and she's a b*tch.
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Pokemon Lovers understand this
The steak I had the other day was so rare... I threw a master ball at it
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It was 6 p. M., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she said,
"Who is eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore."
I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.
"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" she shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
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It's funny how after an argument is over, you start to think about more clever shiт you could have said
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