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A genie came to me and asked,
"What's your first wish?"
I answered, "I wish I was rich!"
Then the genie said,
"What's your second wish, Rich?"

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Got an email today from someone trying to sell me Mount Everest for £1 million. I told him it was a bit steep.

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The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.
Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?

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You use google super often, but i bet you can't remember the order of the colors.
Like if you can't remember

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Back in the old days you needed a whole day to travel 50 miles.
Then the car was invented and people needed half an hour for the same distance.
So what have they done with the saved time?
They’ve built more cars and now they need a whole day again.

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Mexican magician:
“I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos..” *рооf* And just like that he vanished without a tres.

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Just discovered a great way to save time in the morning. I now eat breakfast before I go to bed.

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Financially I‘m set for life, provided i die next wednesday.

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Being stuck in traffic can be really annoying unless you happen to have a nice cool Budweiser in your glove box.

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Teacher: Humans have over 206 bones inside them.
Student: But sir is my consciousness not inside my brain?
Teacher: Yes it is.
Student: So I think you’ll find I’m actually inside the воnе.

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They say you can only trust a person as far as you can throw them. I can trust a baby about 30 yards.

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Q. What has no arms, no legs, and screws retards?
A. The lottery.

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"Careful, there's роор on the dance floor." (How ballet was invented)

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Lazy fact #1568426268566985699866
You were too lazy to even read the first 5 letters of that number.

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Is seri a boy or a girl? A: Boy because whenever you tell it something it never listens to you and does the wrong search.

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Teacher: Name three Kings of England who greatly transformed the country and made it a better place to live.
Student: Drin-king, smo-king and fu-king.

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Harry asked his wife: Did your leave a tip for the boy who delivers our paper?
His wife replies: Yes, dear. I put some of it in the bushes, some of it on the roof, and some of it in the front yard.

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I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

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