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After struggling for many hours deep within the forest
Of stately hardwoods, the new lumberjack finally quit. He just couldn't hack it.

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668 - The neighbour of the beast.

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That moment when you're taking a test and you want everyone to know you're ahead so you flip the page as loud as possible.

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I’ve just Wrote a really awesome song about fajitas… Well it’s more of a wrap really.

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I don't really do, like, a big exploding joke at the end 'cause this is a job and I treat it just like you treat your job. Whatever it is you do for eight hours a day, right before you clock out, you don't start doing yours extra good, do you?

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The reading material at the barbershop consisted entirely of мurdеr stores, mysteries, thrillers, and ghost tales.
When Peter asked the barber if he wanted to terrify his customers he replied.
“No Peter. These books make the customers’ hair stand up and then it becomes
Easier to trim and cut.”

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Rabbits hop and they live for 8 year, dogs run and they live for 15 years and tortoise do nothing and they for 150 years. Lesson learnt.

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During a training exercise, an army unit was late for afternoon inspection.
“Where are those camouflage trucks?” the irate colonel barked.
“They’re here somewhere,” replied the sergeant, “but we can’t find’em.”

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Not sure what’s longer.
A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.

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I've always wondered what a German history book looked like.
"We f*cked up here, here, Big time here, here...."

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A fantastic new series of billboard ads are now displaying along several highways, encouraging drivers to slow down. The billboards read:
Being "Mister Late" is always better than being the "Late Mister".

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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…then I was petrified.

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Whenever i get pulled over, i do my very best to get away with what i did. Last time i got pulled over;
Cop: You know why i stopped you??
I looked at him with a straight face and said;
Me: CUZ IM BLACK!! (even though im not black)
The cop was wide-eyed after i said that.
Me: Haha hеll yea. Wasup playa??
The cop turned on his flashlight and looked at me.
Cop: get the hеll outta here sтuрid!!
I drove off happy to know i didnt get a ticket.

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Q. Why did Bill Gates produce a smelly fаrт in the Apple store?
A. Because they didn’t have Windows.

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My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight away I was cheating on her, there was no fuскing chance I was going to tell her that I was an Avon Rep.
==

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A little old lady was among a group at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery.
Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. “What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, “is that?” He smiled condescendingly. “That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.” “Well, then” snapped the little old lady, “Why isn’t it?”

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Do you want to hear a joke?
Joke websites that aren't kickass humor

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Am I the only one who wants their casket to be lit on fire and launched into space with a bunch of fireworks going off at their funeral? Yes? Dамn what about being buried in a minefield.

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