Jokes

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Two antarcticans were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks.
The first said,
"You know, those look like deer tracks." The other said,
"No, silly, those are moose tracks."
They were still arguing about it when a train hit them.

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The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

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What if i told you
The stickers are made in China Not the item

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Im not an expert with cactuses but i know a рriск when i see one

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In a circus stunt, a lady and a lion were kissing each other inside a cage.
Ring master proudly challenged the audience "Can anyone do it?"
One person from the audience slowly answered "I can, but first take the sтuрid Lion out"

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Why is it your old lady can ignore you for like 6 hours in a row when she’s on every social media site there is.
But you sneak off down the pub for an hour for a quick pint and she hunts you down quicker than Usain Bolt?

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Old people at weddings aways poke me and say "your next." So, I started doing the same at funerals

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Q. What's a Tennis Player's Favourite Card?
A. Ace

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What has a hundred legs and lives on yogurt?
An aerobics class.

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Me: do you know the difference between a bag of oranges and an elephant?
You: no!
Me: well i am not sending you to the store for a bag of oranges! lol

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Just got sacked from my job at the daycare center. Apparently ‘Schindler’s List’ is an inappropriate film for a 5 year old’s birthday party.

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Oh no! Playstation and Xbox online services are down!
Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U.

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Fun fact: The person who wrote the "Let it Go" song for the movie Frozen was constipated when he wrote it.

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"January 1, 2000, is a Saturday. So if the world comes to an end for a couple of days, it'll be OK. We've all had weekends like that." -- Reed Hundt, former Chairman of the FCC

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When you look in the mirror, it reflects...
Don't you ever wonder when it 'flected' the first time?

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Went on a flight with BA last night which was a total nightmare, he really hates flying.

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If Tetris has taught me anything, it’s that mistakes build up and successes fade away

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I wear a stethoscope, so that in a medical emergency , I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

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