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A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a вiggеr one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
"Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

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A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"
She says,
"Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez... Oooh.... I..."
She says,
"Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

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“I’d like some really tight jeans.”
“Certainly, sir. Will you walk this way?”
“If they’re as tight as yours I’ll probably have to.”

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Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming...
I finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.

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“First,” said the рlаyвоy, “I’m going to buy you a few drinks to loosen you up.”
“Oh no you’re not,” said the girl.
“Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“Then I’m going to make violent, passionate love to you.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“And I’m not going to wear a соndом either!” said the guy.
“Oh yes you are!” said the girl.

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How hot is it?
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a. M.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.

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Do you ever go in the bathroom after someone has, shall we say, ruined the ozone? I was in one the other night. It was like Sатаn was in there before me: all the mirrors cracked, the wallpaper's peeling off the wall, the toilet paper roll's going around by itself. There was a rat in the corner going, 'My eyes! My eyes! I can't see!'

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Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Honesty.
Boss: I don’t consider that a weakness.
Me: I don’t give a fuск what you think.

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My girlfriend says she’ll leave me if I don’t stop playing on my Xbox all the time, so I took her out to dinner…
Achievement Unlocked: Went Outside.

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I found thousands of letters in my postbox today.
That’s the last time I order a dictionary from IKEA.

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I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump ваng on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on 20.03.
“Воllоскs!” I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.
“Unlucky, mate,” smiled the attendant, who’d seen what I’d done. “Don’t worry about the extra.”
“Cheers, mate,” I said as I handed him my tenner and fuскеd off.

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Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night. There was a tap on the door, when he opened it his landlord was standing outside the door. He asked; “do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?"
Tony answered, “no, I haven’t heard that song. Can you please hum it a little?"

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There is no such thing as ‘American English’
There’s the English language, and there are mistakes.

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After only giving my son two karate lessons, he said he didn’t want any more.
Still, at least I got my car washed and my fence painted.

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What do you get when you rewind a country song?
You get your house back, your truck back, your wife back and your dog back!

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Can you see the the mistake?
10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
Like if you found it

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What goes up and never comes down?
Your age
1 egg takes 5 minutes to boil. How long does 10 eggs take to boil?
The same 5 minutes.
How many times does a tailor have to cut 100 yards of cloth to get 100 equal pieces?
99 times. You don’t cut the last piece, it is already there
What side of the teacup is the handle on?
I really don't know the answer
Which is heavier? 1 pound of hay or 1pound of metal. Which is heavier?
They both weigh a pound
Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers, Peter piper picked. If Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peckers, how many peckers did Peter piper picked? How many Ps are there in THAT?
None... H... A... T..... There are NO P's in the word THAT
What has 100 eyes and cannot see?
A potato
Two Indians standing on a bridge. One is the father of the other ones son. What is the relation between the two Indians?
Mother and Father
What has NO legs and CAN run?
Water

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The color red white and blue represents freedom, until it's flashing in the back of your car....

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