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China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
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I asked my wife what she thought of her sneak preview of the film version of ‘Fifty shades of grey’.
“The book was wetter, ” she replied.
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A group of hippies gathered underneath the Washington Monument around a small bond fire.
A drunк staggered by took a long look at them and then a long look up at the Monument.
After a deep thought moment, the drunк says to the group, "You'll never get that rocket off the ground."
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Hunting was a big disappointment this past weekend. After exiting the main road my navigation device said,
"Bear left", so I just went home.
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Mary comes home rather late. “Oh, sweetheart,” she called, “your car’s on Maple Street.”
“Why didn’t you bring it home?” her husband asked. “Couldn’t, she said. “It’s too dark out there to find all the parts.”
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You are depriving some poor village of its idiот.
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We got some free child care the other day.
We simply delayed going to the lost and found announcement.
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Has one ever noticed that when one drops a piece of toast it always lands caviar side down?
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Me and my ex broke up because we just weren't compatible. See, I'm a Scorpio and she's a b*tch.
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Pokemon Lovers understand this
The steak I had the other day was so rare... I threw a master ball at it
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It was 6 p. M., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she said,
"Who is eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore."
I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.
"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" she shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
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It's funny how after an argument is over, you start to think about more clever shiт you could have said
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Got an email today from someone trying to sell me Mount Everest for £1 million. I told him it was a bit steep.
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Желба El condenado a muerte y el ultimo deseo На електрическият стол!!! Начальник тюрьмы обращается к смертнику сидящему на электрическом стуле: A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" Den dödsdömde hade tagit plats i elektriska stolen. - Har du någon sista önskan? frågade prästen. - Ja, håll mig i handen. - Min son, har du någon sista önskan? frågade prästen den dödsdömde fången som just tagit plats i elektriska stolen - Ja, sa den dödsdömde. Håll mig i handen. En mördare sitter fastspänd i den elektriska stolen och skall strax bli avrättad. - Har du någon sista önskan, min son? Frågar prästen. Mördaren svarar, - Ja, vill du hålla min hand? Auf dem Weg zum Elektrischen Stuhl fragt der Gefängnisdirektor den Todeskandidaten: "Haben Sie vielleicht noch einen allerletzten Wunsch?" "Ja, Herr Direktor: Würden Sie bitte, wenn Fången har tagit plats i elektriska stolen och prästen frågar: - Har du någon sista önskan? - Jaa, håll mig i handen... - Co mógłbym dla pana zrobić? - prokurator pyta recydywistę siedzącego na fotelu elektrycznym. - Czy mógłby pan potrzymać mnie za rękę? - prosi skazaniec. Een boef krijgt de elektrische stoel als straf vanwege vele gruwelijke daden. Op het moment dat het gaat gebeuren vraagt de agent aan de boef “Heb je nog een laatste wens voordat we je... El jefe de la cárcel se dirige al preso que está en la silla eléctrica: - ¿Su último deseo? - Cógeme de la mano por favor. Así voy a sentirme más tranquilo. o padre foi visitar o condenado a morte na cadeira elétrica -como você vai morrer, tens direito a um último pedido...dis o padre -sim, o senhor fica segurando minha mão? Um bandido muito perigoso, condenado à morte, senta-se na cadeira elétrica para ser executado. O diretor do presídio fala: — De acordo com a lei, o senhor tem o direito de solicitar o seu último... Nos Estados Unidos, um padre diz para o condenado à morte que já está todo amarrado na cadeira elétrica: — Estou aqui para ajudá-lo. Se você precisar de alguma coisa, pode pedir! — Ah, vocês falam... A töbszörös gyilkossággal vádolt személyt villamos székbe ültetik. - Van valami utolsó kívánsága? - mondja az őr. - Igen. - És mi? - Megfogná a kezem? Un oltean e condamnat la moarte prin electrocutare. Este asezat pe scaunul electric si intrebat care e ultima lui dorinta. Olteanul raspunde: - Sa ma tineti de mina. Præsten til fangen, der sidder i den elektriske st Præsten til fangen, der sidder i den elektriske stol Umiddelbart før henrettelsen: - "Har du et sidste ønske?" - "Ja, hold mig i hånden." Cietuma priekšnieks jautā uz nāvi notiesātajam elektriskajā krēslā: - Kāda ir jūsu pēdējā vēlēšanās? - Paturiet, lūdzu, mani aiz rokas, tā es jutīšos drošāk. Žudikas ruošiamas egzekucijai – už jo nusikaltimus jis nuteistas mirties bausme elektros kėdėje. Teisėjas taria paskutinius žodžius: - Turit kokį paskutinį prašymą? - Taip. Kai mane krės, gal...
The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.
Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?
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Most common lies-
I won't laugh, I promise
Your table will be ready in a few minutes
I'm just kidding I never got your text
I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions
You will need to know this later in life
I'm fine
Ok just one more episode
I'm on my way
I'm on a diet
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You use google super often, but i bet you can't remember the order of the colors.
Like if you can't remember
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Back in the old days you needed a whole day to travel 50 miles.
Then the car was invented and people needed half an hour for the same distance.
So what have they done with the saved time?
They’ve built more cars and now they need a whole day again.
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Mexican magician:
“I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos..” *рооf* And just like that he vanished without a tres.
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