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Just discovered a great way to save time in the morning. I now eat breakfast before I go to bed.

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Financially I‘m set for life, provided i die next wednesday.

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Being stuck in traffic can be really annoying unless you happen to have a nice cool Budweiser in your glove box.

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They say you can only trust a person as far as you can throw them. I can trust a baby about 30 yards.

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Q. What has no arms, no legs, and screws retards?
A. The lottery.

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"Can I have a cigarette?" Jill asked.
"I thought you quit smoking," Mary said
"I'm in the process of quitting," Jill said. "Right now I am in the middle of phase one."
"What's phase one?" Mary asked.
"I've quit buying," Jill replied.

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"Careful, there's роор on the dance floor." (How ballet was invented)

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Lazy fact #1568426268566985699866
You were too lazy to even read the first 5 letters of that number.

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Is seri a boy or a girl? A: Boy because whenever you tell it something it never listens to you and does the wrong search.

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Teacher: Name three Kings of England who greatly transformed the country and made it a better place to live.
Student: Drin-king, smo-king and fu-king.

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Harry asked his wife: Did your leave a tip for the boy who delivers our paper?
His wife replies: Yes, dear. I put some of it in the bushes, some of it on the roof, and some of it in the front yard.

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I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

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If a gаy guy goes into a coma does that make him a vegetable or a fruit?

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After watching the girls do line dancing, Michael thought, hey I can do this. So he got in line and asked one of the girls, what’s the name of this dance?
"She said I don't know; this is the line for the bathroom"

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My girlfriend feels that someday I'm Gona trade her in for another younger model Tbh i highly doubt that anyone would take her as a trade in.

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I was having a conversation with someone the other day, and they said, 'Well, you know how we overachievers are.' No, I don't.

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Why do new born babies never get any birthday cake?

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Why are hurricanes and cyclones always given non threatening names, like Wilma and George?
Surely, ‘hurricane run like fuск’ or ‘cyclone ваsтаrd’ would be more appropriate?

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