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My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.
I started thrashing about and roared “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”
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How many Iraqis does it take to launch a Scud missile?
Two. One to launch it, and one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.
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"Why did they arrest you?"
"They said I was shopping too early."
"Well, that's not a сriме. How early were you shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
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Mrs. Smith’s elderly husband doesn't feel well so she takes him to the dr. Mr. Smith leaves her in the waiting room for a while. Finally the Dr. comes and says,
"Mrs. Smith I’m sorry to tell you that your husband is going to die." Mrs. Smith says,
"Dr. is there anything I can do?" the Dr. told her "well there is a couple of things you could do: First you could cook him a wonderful dinner every night. Second you could give him a nice back rub every night. Third you could make love to him like you never have before every night." Mrs. Smith says ok. A little while later Mr. Smith comes out and asks Mrs. Smith "what did the Dr. say?" Mrs. Smith says,
"I’m sorry honey but you are going to die."
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Got no comeback for that one have you mate?
Well if you want my come back, just wipe it off your mum’s сhin!
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I'm concerned Exit signs are becoming outdated, i hope there not on their way out.
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I read this article that said your car reflects your personality. I don't have a car.
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My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
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After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read:
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Antartian press reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500m, Antartian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones.
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Some people in the club are waiting for the beat to drop, but I'm at home waiting for the microwave to hit 0.
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A guy is creating a yahoo account
Sets password as "diск"
Error says "too short"
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I’d explain it to you but your brain would explode.
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Can’t believe how desperate my maths teacher is, he keeps asking me to find his x. I think it’s time he faced the truth, she’s not coming back.
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Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”
The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.
The alien repeated the greeting.
There was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump’s haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I’ll fire!”
The other alien shouted to his comrade “No, you don’t want to make him mad!”
But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, “What a ferocious creature. It dамn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?”
The other alien answered, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy … any guy who can wrap his реnis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn’t mess with.”
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Did you know that your аnаl nerve is connected to your optic nerve?
Don’t believe me?
Pull a hair out of your аrsе and see if your eyes water.
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When is it fun to serve a rubber turkey?
… At pranksgiving
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You actually look good today!! Did you photoshop your face or something?
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I’m not brave.
I’m just past the age where running is an option.
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