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Today my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings and when my brother walked past my mom asked me a question "what do you think of going through kids heads during a school shooting " That’s when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom “bullets” we don’t talk about this anymore
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Man: whats up?
Me: im annoyed
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf’s heart
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks
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What is Stephen Hawking’ favourite song
Head shoulders screws and bolts
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Why did my boyfriend leaves me ?
Because he’s gаy.
But why did he come back to me ?
Because im actually a guy :
- )
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When meeting her parents don’t require you to leave the house
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If I was a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party and insomnia the little annoying sibling.
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Sans: why didn’t the skeleton not go to the party?
Papyrus: because they looked like me?
Sans:… Sure
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Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “what ever you wish for comes true once you slide down”. One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river. The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee”!
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I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.
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Why did Helen Keller burn her hands?
Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.
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I was with my blind friend, and he’s telling me “Yeah I can read braille”. So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read “Sсrеw you, аsshоlе”
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A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, “What’s the best book on committing suicide?” The librarian said, “Oh fuск off…you won’t bring it back anyway.”
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Why did the legless kid think he won a race?
Because everybody already left.
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What did the salad say to pineapple
Lettuce be friends
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There are two siblings. A little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sеx. So, the вiggеr brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night, and take her home. So they get to the вiggеr brothers house, and walk in his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk bed. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sеx. The big brother says, “whenever you feel good, say lettuce, and whenever you want to switch positions say tomato.” The girl constantly is saying “lettuce, tomato” and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, " can you guys stop making sandwiches, you’re getting mayonnaise all over me.
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I figured out why everyone is buying toilet paper
Because a huge rock is headed towards earth and paper covers rock
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How did a blonde commit suicide
She jumped from the basement window
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A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a “no”. His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, “Why do you keep asking me to croak?” The granddaughter replies, “Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland.”
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