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If you kept yelling for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat up a cup of tea.

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A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, "Yo, is this stool taken? "

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Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!

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How many gorillas can fit into a car?
Eight.
How many chickens can fit into the car?
None, the car is already full of gorillas.

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the 17th century!
The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”

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I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people.
But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

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Sometimes I drink water - just to surprise my liver.

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Hearing voices in your head is normal.
Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.

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According to my mirror I am pregnant.
The father is Nutella.

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... and out of the chaos, a sentence came to me:
"Laugh and be happy, it could be worse!"
... and so I laughed and was happy and it really became worse.

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Need something cool to say because you just slipped and fell?
“Yep, gravity still works!”

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My relationship is like an iPad.
I don't have an iPad.

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Do people talk about you behind your back?
Simply fаrт.

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They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.

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There are people who are a living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.

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If you’re having a bad day, remember some adults wear braces.

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What flutters about and clearly never had a bath in its entire life?
Stinkerbell.

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Cop: "Did you кill this man?"
Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

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