Jokes

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I was going to start a Procrastinators Club. But then I realized I’d have to reject anyone who actually turned up at the meeting so I decided to put it off again.

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I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's вrа. I gave up at the end. I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

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That awkward moment when you notice the guy in front of you in the "10 items maximum" express cashier line has 11 things in his trolley...

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New categories:
Knock Knock Jokes
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Puns

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New categories:
Christmas jokes
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Marriage Jokes

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When somebody makes you really angry, count to three. When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.

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That awkward moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.

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New category:
Prank Ideas / Practical jokes

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Are you feeling all alone?
Put on a good horror movie and switch off all the lights, that alone feeling will soon go away.

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Important note from a car manual:
Backing rapidly at a tree significantly reduces your trunk space.

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4.
In the USA, there are more Chinese restaurants than all the McDonald’s, KFCs, Burger Kings and Wendy’s put together.

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7.
At any given moment, about 0.7% of the people in the world are drunк.

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10.
There are more English speakers in China than in the United States.

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A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”

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A girl asks a boy:
"Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly!"

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Shouldn’t a photographer who specializes in taking photos of school classes be actually called a school shooter?

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Searching for a new laptop online is basically forcing your current computer to dig its own grave.

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What if the spider I killed in my bedroom lived his whole life thinking I was his roommate and died wondering what brought on this psychotic break?

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