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The only "B" word you should call a woman is beautiful. Вiтсhеs love to be called beautiful.

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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

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An ironing board is just a surfboard that gave up on its dreams and got a real job.

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Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick.

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Q: What's green and has wheels?
A: Grass, I was lying about the wheels.

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What's the difference between a unicorn and lettuce?

One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

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I tried to convince my little girl that it's perfectly normal to accidentally роор your pants.
...But she didn't buy it. She's still making fun of me.

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3 unwritten rules of life
1)
2)
3)

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What is the lightest thing in the world?
A реnis…even a thought can raise it.

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I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But I turned myself around.

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Q: If an electric train is traveling north-by-northeast at 59 MPH, and the wind is blowing west at 18 MPH, which way is the smoke blowing? A: There is no smoke; it's an electric train.

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I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"

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If I wanted to кill myself I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your iq

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What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? – Steven Hawking after a house fire.

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Why is six afraid of seven?
Seven is a registered six-offender

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Are you suicide, cause you’re always on my mind

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I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

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What do you call a group of emos?
Suicide Squad.

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