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What if the spider I killed in my bedroom lived his whole life thinking I was his roommate and died wondering what brought on this psychotic break?

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Why the hеll is there an S in the word ‘lisp’?!

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There are two kinds of people. Some wash their dishes because they just ate; the others wash their dishes because they are just about to eat.

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My head is very slowly 3D printing my hair.

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Sweater is a pretty disgusting name for a piece of clothing.

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I and Bill Gates have a combined fortune of approximately 80 billion dollars.

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How does the non-stick coating stick to the pan?!I

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F you’re waiting to be served in a restaurant, shouldn’t you be called the waiter?

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It would be very nice if the car navigation voice would get more and more excited as you'd get closer to your destination.

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The goal of golf is to play as little golf as possible.

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Are those who sneeze the most blessed?

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If weights became invisible, a gym would turn into a slow motion disco.

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Is a paper cut the tree’s way of getting back at you?

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The devil shakes a pitchfork, the grim reaper swings a scythe… So is farming a big thing in the underworld?

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When a pregnant woman takes a bath, she’s become a human submarine.

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When you go to sleep at 4 am, is it going to bed late or early?

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If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail.

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Your browser does not support the audio element.
Three guys are sitting in a bar, вiтсhing about life.
“My wife is cheating on me with a hockey player,” sighs one.
“How do you know?” asks his friend?
“I found a hockey stick under the bed…”
“Oh no. Miranda is also cheating on me, you know, with a football player. I found a football under the bed.”
“Oh boys. What have things gotten to,” sighs the third guy, “my wife is cheating on me with a horse. I found a jockey under the bed.”

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