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An English lord is sitting down in the breakfast room when suddenly there’s a huge ваng and a car comes crashing through the wall.
The lord doesn’t twitch an eyebrow and simply invites the unfortunate but unharmed driver to join him at breakfast.
Once the breakfast is over, he casually asks the driver, “Where were you headed, anyway?”
“Blackpool.”
“Oh, it would have been shorter to cut through the kitchens.”

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A woman calls a removal company to get rid of her old washing machine.
At 4 pm, the doorbell rings.
The woman opens the door and sees a one-armed removal man standing in front of her.
The one-armed man asks, “Is this the flat with the washing machine to be removed?”
The woman answers, “Yes, but how will you manage with just one arm?”
The man replies, “Why, do you have two washing machines?!“

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A man flies over the ocean. Suddenly the plane malfunctions and crashes on a remote island. He’s the only survivor and when he becomes conscious, he sees a horde of cannibals approaching, led by a very strong guy with a spear. “Oh no, now I’m sсrеwеd…”he thinks.
Suddenly he hears a voice in his head:
“No, you’re not sсrеwеd. Run to the guy with the spear, take it away from him and stab him in the stomach.”
So he stands up, runs to the guy and does exactly that.
The voice in his head appears again:
“See? Now you’re sсrеwеd.”

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A guy comes home from a doctor’s office and tells his wife he’s got hemorrhoids.
“You’ll have to give me massages, wife.”
“Oh dear. How?”
“Wait, I’ll show you how the doctor did it. Here, put your right hand on my right shoulder, your left hand on my left… Hang on, what the heck has he been massaging me with???!!!”

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Two guys are drinking into the early hours and then decide to go sleep a bit and keep going. As they get to Roger’s home, Joe is impressed with a huge gong that Roger has in his living room. “That’s a really big gong you got there bro. Why?”
“Nah, that’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock! Look!” says Roger and bangs the gong with all his might.
Very shortly, a chorus of annoyed neighbors starts, “What the hеll, you crazy son of a gun, it’s 3 am!!!”

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94.
Every day, around 18 acres of pizza are eaten in America.

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95.
The ancient Romans used to make a toothpaste that contained urinе.

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96.
A beheaded cockroach could keep on living for 9 days before it would finally die of hunger.

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98.
The eye of an ostrich is вiggеr than the brain.

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99.
The sunlight you see is in fact 8.5 minutes old – that’s how long it takes for light to travel to Earth from the Sun.

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100.
You accidentally eat around a pound (480 g) of insects every year.

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I want to thank Ed Hardy for making the game "Spot the Dоuсhеваg" that much easier.

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Nerd Pick up line: Nice set of floppys.

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If you want to find out who loves you more and loyal. Stick your wife and dog in the trunk of a car and open it a hour later and see which one wants to give you kisses.

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Why don't birds wear pants?
Cause their рескеr's on their head.

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Where do squirrels end up after they die?
The squirrely gates

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Lets play army! You can be the good guy and I'll be the bad guy. Now you can вlоw the hеll out of me!

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My реnis is so polite, it stands up so girls have a place to sit down.

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