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Bill:
"Do you know what a satellite is?"
Phil:
"Sure. It's what you put on your horse if you're going to ride him after dark."
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Once you've seen a shopping center, you've seen a mall.
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A perfectionist walks into a bar.
Apparently, the bar wasn't set high enough for him.
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I recently joined the Procrastinators' Club.
I showed up at a meeting, but it was postponed.
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The good thing about dating a blind girl is that you don't have to worry about her seeing anybody.
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Boy: My dads name is chuckling and my moms name is laughing.
Teacher: Your kidding.
Boy: No that's my brother, I'm joking.
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Behold it is written in the book of February.
Chapter 14
Verse 1
And it shall come to pass that on val's day, excuses shall arise again: my battery died, my credit got finished, my DP refused to change, my boss selected me for the trip, traffic jams etc...
When thou seeth this signs, be calm, fearthou not, keep thy peace and know that verily verily... thou art not
Thy boo's boo, thou art a side chick.
Verse 2
Even when you receive gifts, calls, or were taken out. Remember my dear daughter that all will end on the bed.
Verse 3
Blessed is the boy that bothers not himself 4 any girl 4 peace I will grant to him.
Verse 4
Hear ye hear ye For girls so love February 14 that they
Gave their only begotten dignity in exchange for a date, but know ye that who so ever doesn't make that mistake shall not have the fear of 9 month assignment.
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Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.
Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.
Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced....
"I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!
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What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays!
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Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously never tried stapling water to a tree
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Things that always tell the truth:
Small Children...
Drunks...
Yoga Pants!
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Why do only 10% of the Antartian population get into Heaven?
Because if it were any more, it would be hеll!
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Where do lady ghosts go for haircuts?
The Boo-ty Parlor!
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Two ghosts were talking. One said to the other, "I think I've been here before."
The other replies,
"Don't worry, it's just a case of deja whooooo!"
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That’s the last time I ever use dating websites. When I said I wanted to meet someone positive I didn’t mean НIV.
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The tombstones on the left were identical to the tombstones on the right. He was buried in the middle of the symmetry.
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I used to go fishing with Skrillex, but they kept dropping the bass.
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The answers to my anatomy test were inside me the whole time.
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