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Two scouts were making a lot of noise on a field trip. The scout master asked them to "please not yell" and to "go find firewood".
One scout turned to the other and said,
"I’ve heard of this before, something about 'talk softly and carry a big stick!'"

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I took the job at a bakery...
Because I kneaded dough!

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I read this book about Mount Everest... It was quite the cliff hanger!

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I didn't mean to gain all this weight. It happened by snaccident.

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So whats is the one song that transgenders can not claim as their anthem.... Born This Way

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I broke a can opener. It's a can't opener now.

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When they asked the two monocles why they never got together, they said they'd like to, but didn't want to make spectacles of themselves.

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Did you hear about the super car of transformation?
Yeah, it turned into a road.

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They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.

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What cooking/seasoning spice herb can be found in the court of law?
A bay-leaf.

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My girlfriend says I never take her anywhere expensive, so I took her to a gas station.

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There was an explosion at a pie factory, 3.14 people died.

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What did the snowman say when he felt he was misunderstood?
Did you get my drift?

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All haunted houses are the same. I went to one the other night, and heard the standard screams, shrieks, scary sounds and gotchas.
Then I went to another one down the road and it was like "Deja BOO!" all over again.

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Q. What did the cork say to the bottle?
A. “If you don’t behave I’ll plug you.”

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Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

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Just handed in my resignation to quit my job as a psychic. I just don’t see a future in it.

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Llllllllllllooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg is that long enough for you? It is supposed to be long!

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