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I recall the days I spent 4 hours looking at sweets in a petrol station.
And then as soon as the shop had no customers I suddenly remembered I needed to buy a роrn mag.

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I am the most athletic skeleton around, no bones about it!

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I send flowers "From Steve" to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn.

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What do you call it when part of a windmill is owned by a circus clown?
A juggler vane!

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Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Without geometry, life is pointless.

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Three hunters were walking in the woods one night when they came across a set of tracks.
"Those are bear tracks." The first hunter said.
"Those are deer tracks." The second hunter said.
"No, they're fox tracks. The third hunter argued.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

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I was thinking of trying to find my watch I could never find time

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I used to be a mime...
It's only now that I can talk about it.

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What do you call meat made in the wrong factory?
A misteak!

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The lovers wore the exact same shoes...
Naturally, they were solemates.

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My bank balance is like a мidgет in a marathon. It's running a little short.

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What if you started making car alarm noises every time someone you don't like touched you?

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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve. …
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Rehearsal was underway and the exasperated conductor - before the whole orchestra - said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

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Today, of course, being college-bred means being a loaf for four years

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What's a Mexican's favourite fragrance?
Taco Rabanne

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Sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway.
On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.
Then the foreman asked Sardar why he kept painting less each day?
He replied, “I just can’t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.”

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Q- What do you call it when you get super glue on your finger
A- A sticky situation

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