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Two eggs were in a рот, being boiled. One said to the other, “it’s so hot in here I don’t think I can stand it much longer.” The other replied, “Don’t grumble. As soon as they get you out of here, they bash your head with a spoon.”

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Jack met Claude in the street and noticed that Claude was carrying a small parcel.
‘Been shopping then, Claude?” he asked.
“Yes,” replied Claude, “I’ve just been to the perfumery to by a present for the wife’s birthday tomorrow.” “Oh, yes?” said Jack, “what did you get her, then?”
“A bottle of toilet water. Very expensive - this little bottle cost me twenty-five dollars!”
“Twenty-five dollars for a bottle of toiler water?” said Jack in amazement. “Why don’t you come home with me? You can have all you want for nothing!”

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I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help”.

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What do you call a task force that smokes wееd? a Joint Task Force

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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator... and you can't cross it!

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What was the two last pizzas ordered from the Twin Towers just before 911?
Two large plains.

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Don't hold in your farts, thats where you get your сrаррy ideas from

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I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

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My cooking class invited me to give a speech. It's about thyme.

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Don't worry guys, I won't make a joke about bread.
It's the yeast that I could do.

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Don’t you hate it when you’re typing something and you’re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were тiттiеs.

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What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
The same middle name.

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The first thing you have to do when you have a day job is you have to get up -- in the morning -- and that's inconvenient.

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Rate kickass button if you like воовs!

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Kickass if you think kickasshumor should make an app

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When I was growing up my parents made a lot of sacrifices. They were actually devil worshipers.

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What goes, "Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop ВАNG ВАNG clip clop clip clop clip clop..."
An Amish drive-by shooting.

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A little old lady was driving the wrong way down a one-way street and was stopped by a cop.
“Didn’t you see the arrows?” he asked.
“Arrows? I didn’t even see the Indians!” she exclaimed.

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