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To the guy who invented Zero:
Thanks for nothing!

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I could not believe that the statue wasn't made from stone. Next time I won't take art for granite.

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What do you call a rat that's in a cocoon?
A raccoon.
Badup bup

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Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

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Our date was awesome. Especially the way it ended: with a bang

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What's the difference between a pun and a fаrт? A pun is a shift of wit and a fаrт is...............

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If you ate oreoes with milk in space,it would be the milky-way to eat them!

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I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and all it has been doing is GATHERING DUST!!!

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What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!

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Being struck by lightning is a shocking experience!

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A clock would make a great comedian. Well getting the timings right is more than watch is needed.

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Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston just broke up. It's a bit of a Thor point, but they're keeping it Loki

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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies,
"For you, neutron, no charge."

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Mr. Sharma: ”When I die, love, I want to be cremated.”
Mrs. Sharma: ”That is a good idea, dear. The gold in your teeth ought to pay all the expenses.”

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My mother said, “You know, J-Lo doesn’t even speak Spanish.” … I replied, “I know, but her аss does.”

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So I went to Suicide Bombing Class and the teacher said,
"Okay now pay attention! I'm gonna do this once!"

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What's this "Inner beauty" thing everyone's been talking about?
I've been digging into my girlfriend for HOURS with a knife and I haven't found it yet!

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Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, "Why did you do that??"
The trooper responds, "You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!"
"I apologize sir, I'm not from around here."
The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.
"What was that for?" asked the passenger.
"I know your kind," says the trooper, "About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a вiтсh would have tried that сrар with me!"'

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