Criminal Jokes

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I think Al Qaeda made a huge mistake knocking down both Twin Towers.
Just think how embarassing it would be only having one Twin Tower.

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“The pen is mightier than the sword.”
Clearly fсuкing useless against AK47s though.

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As the executioner picked up the axe, I said, “I thought I was to be hanged. Are you going to chop off my head?”
“No, your legs,” he replied. “The rope is too long.”

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My next door Neighbour’s Daughter said that when she gets older she wants to marry me. I was touched.
A few minutes later, so was she.

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A girl in a bar said to me, “I wouldn’t fuск you if you were the last person alive.”
Leaning over and whispering, I replied, “But who would be around to stop me?”

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After being convicted for rаре I’ve been sent to prison for 4 years and ordered to pay my victim £10,000.
Surely if I’m paying her £10,000 then it’s not rаре.

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We had gаy burglars while we were out of town for a few days….
…
They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

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My wife’s a bit like Pinocchio.
Every time she tells me lies, her nose swells up.

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Wife: Hey ваве! How’s your “Boy’s Night Out” going?
Me: Don’t hang up! They say I only get one phone call..

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Wait a minute, where’s it gone?

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I was furious when I discovered my wife had set up a website to help the victims of domestic violence.
She got 200 hits in the first hour.

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I was sick of my wife teasing me about my color blindness and resorted to violence.
I beat her dark grey and grey.

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My boss has just accused me of rigging up a hidden camera in the ladies toilets.
I responded, “That’s impossible. How can you possibly prove it was me?”
He said, “I’ve just been watching you for the past 10 minutes on my one.”

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A conman, a child molester and a priest walks into department store … ….
…
But I repeat myself.

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British politician Janice Atkinson has demanded that the UK reintroduce the death penalty for suicide bombers. …
Uh huh…

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I grew up in a really tough neighborhood. One time I put my hand in some freshly- poured cement and felt another hand.

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I met a girl in the park last night. We got chatting, and things were going well, so I thought I’d try my luck.
I said, “Simon says take your top off.” Off it came.
“Simon says take off your вrа.” Out came the тiтs.
After I’d groped them for a while, I said, “Simon says get nакеd and bend over.”
I fuскеd her hard up the аrsе and came inside her. I then pulled up my pants and walked one way, as she ran off the other way, screaming.
It’s great having a knife called Simon.

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I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.

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