Criminal Jokes

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I was going through some stuff in the loft last week when I found a red envelope next to mine and my wife’s will.
On the front, it read;
‘Dear Steve,
Only to be opened after I die.
All my love
Sarah xx’
I got upset and held it close to me. I thought about opening it, but decided to respect her wishes.
A few days later however, curiosity got the better of me. I had to know what the letter said. Maybe she’s cheated on me. Maybe she has a fortune stashed away? I went back up in the loft and quickly opened it.
‘Dear Steve,
Don’t cry. I just wanted to say that I always loved you with all my heart. Remember the good times and I shall always be by your side.
Goodbye
Sarah xxx’
My face sсrеwеd up with sadness and I thought, What a load of fuскing shiт! I killed her for that?

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So I was in Liverpool, having a shiт in the public toilets. When a scouse voice in the next cubicle says;”Hey mate, there”s no loo roll in “ere. Pass us some through, will ya.”So I unravelled a few sheets and passed them under the partition. The cheeky ваsтаrd stood on my hand and nicked my watch!

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To the tune of Gloria Gaynors: I will survive
I pulled a girl
She pulled me back
She said I want you
I need you in the sack
Oh I wаnк so many times
It’s almost like a crime
You will be mine
I will send shivers down your spine
So we went back
Got into bed
She yanked my pants down
She started to give me head
I fiddled with her tits
Ran my fingers by her clit
A gob of spit
Inserted myself a little bit
And then I thrust
Deep in and out
She moaned a little
And then she started to shout
Ow stop stop stop please
I’m beginning to bleed
“I’ll sew my seed
Down there between your knees”
No I won’t stop
Or walk out the door
You’re such a slag
Your legs are wider than a whоrе’s
You’ve been fuскеd so many times
You’ve started to bleed inside
And now you’ve died
Now I need somewhere to hide
Did I do that?
Now she’s gone cold
But do I fuск her
Before she starts growing mould?
I may not like the taste
But let’s not let good рussy go to waste
Give her a good baste
Then put her in a suitcase
And then I ran
Down to the lake
Hurry up now
Before people start to wake
And now I can sympathise
With the rарisт in disguise
They’re just good guys
With the devil in their flies

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You are more likely to be killed by a Соw than a shark!
Thats True, my ex chased me with a knife once.

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There’s no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don’t know you love them. Or that you’re in their house again.

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2 convicted murderers escaped a New York prison using cordless power tools.
Authorities said,when they get a hold of them they will be charged.

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I burst into a hotel I was passing with a young girl over my shoulder last night.
“Please, I’ve just found her unconscious in the street,” I panted. “I think she’s taken an overdose of drugs.”
“Shall I phone an ambulance?” the receptionist panicked.
“No,” I replied. “I want a room.”

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I was seeing this girl for about six weeks, until someone took my binoculars…

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This girl I met last night was well fit.
So much so in fact, she managed to outrun me.

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I spent some time at my wife’s grave earlier.
She’s not dead - she thinks I’m digging a pond.

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My wife forgot my birthday this morning, she was so red-faced when she realised.
Well, I’m not surprised she was red-faced, the amount of effort I put into that slap.

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When I was twelve, I jammed a tile from a Scrabble set into a Nerf gun and shot my brother in the forehead, killing him instantly.
It was an accident though, I thought it was a “blank”.

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After an argument with the wife, I decided to give her some space.
Or, as the dentist called it, a gap.

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I was watching a роrnо and this girl managed to gag on the bloke’s соск for up to five minutes at a time.
Amazed by such a performance, I tried this with my wife and ended up killing her.
Turns out that I just have a slow internet connection.

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It’s always darkest before dawn…
So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

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Why was the Adobe Acrobat document arrested?
It was a PDF file.

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You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.

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I shouted to the barmaid, “Two pints of lager please.”
She said, “I’m not deaf.”
I said, “Sorry, I noticed your wedding ring and the black eye. I presumed you had a problem listening.”

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