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"I want a divorce"!
"But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part."
"I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you."

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Two best friends are lying on the beach and discussing:
"Last night I saw a terrible nightmare…"
"What did you see?"
"I saw my mother-in-law swimming in the sea and being chase by a shark…"
"Wow horror!"
"Horror?! You say nothing! She almost got away!"

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My Girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday.
So I took her out, got her drunк, and crashed the car.

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Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

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What do spinach and аnаl sеx have in common?
If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

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A man who wants to мurdеr his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
"I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that."
Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him.
The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

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Q: Why did Нiтlеr кill himself?
A: He saw his gas bill.

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I got in trouble during high school for маsтurватing in the showers.
Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

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I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me.
I mean, what the shiт happened on the ninth of November anyway?

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A school in the United States is on fire.
One fireman is throwing the kids through the window, while the other one is standing on the ground and catching them.
After half of an hour the upper fireman asks:
Hey man, why aren't you catching black kids?
Oh dамn, I thought these were the burnt ones.

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How do you stop a blonde tank?
Shoot the people pushing it!

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Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?
A. They both live off dead Beatles.

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Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a balanced meal.

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A man goes into a library and asks where he can find books on suicide.
‘First row on the left,’ replied the librarian.
The man replies, ‘But I’ve already looked in that section.
It’s empty.’
‘I’m not surprised,’ says the librarian.
‘They don’t often bring them back.'

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A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers".
She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"
To which he responds: "No, you've got воwеl cancer."

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One of Нiтlеr's assistants says to him one day, "Sir, we're mining too many useless ores."
Hitler replies, "Well, mine less."
A grammar nаzi then bursts through the door and shouts, "Mine FEWER!"
Hitler looks up and asks, "Yes?"

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Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your mother in law?
A: Sir, we were able to save her!

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A woman gave her two sons to different families for adoption.
One goes to an Egyptian family and called Amal.
The second child goes to Spain and is called Juan.
Many years later, Juan sends his mother a photo of himself.
She turns to her sister saying that she wished that she had a photo of her other son.
The sister responded "Hey, they are identical twins. If you have seen Juan, you have seen Amal."

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