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Dirty jokes

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A boy's parents are fighting and the mom calls the dad a Ваsтаrd and the dad calls the mom a Вiтсh. The kid asks them what it means and they say Ladies and Gentlemen.
That night the son walks in on his parents having angry sеx.
The dad say "feel my diск" and the mom says "suск my тiттiеs"
The son asks "what does that mean" and the parents say Hats and Coats.
The next day the dad is shaving and cuts himself so he screams "shiт!" and the kid asks what it meas and the dad says its a brand of shaving cream.
The kid then goes downstairs and the mom is stuffing the turkey and accidentally cuts herself and screams"f*ck!"
When the guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner the kid answers the door and says.
"Alright you Вiтсhеs and Ваsтаrds, hang your Diскs and Тiттiеs in the closet, Dad's upstairs wiping the Shiт off his face and Mom's in the kitchen Fuскing the turkey!"
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Man:knock knock
Kid:whos there Man:i see you do
Kid:i seee you do who?
Man:my girlfriend!
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The BYOB sтriр club fills a very important niche in the sтriр club market. Because, I mean, we've all been at a traditional sтriр club, and the wine list is pedestrian. You know, half the whites from California, they're all sсrеw tops and the sommelier couldn't tell a Sancerre from a sandwich. And I'm just sitting there the whole time thinking, 'I have in my cellar at home a 2002 Argentinean Malbec that would go perfectly with that 42-year-old's hysterectomy scars.'
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Little Johnny got home from school and told his mum " I just had my first sеxuаl experience!"
His mum replied "I'm going to speak to your dad about this when he gets home. Go to your room." So little Johnny goes to his room.
When his dad gets home his mum tells him about little Johnny's first sеxuаl experience.
His dad says "I won't get too angry at him because at his age, I was looking for my first sеxuаl experience to."
When he gets to little Johnny's room he asks him "So how was it?"
Little Johnny replies it was Great! The only downside is my аss hurts."
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As a gаy man, I can assure you that an "iPhone 6 plus" is only 5.
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So i was paired up with the really smart and hot girl in our Physics class to write an essay on Issac Newton's theory of gravity. So she said why don't we call it what Newton called it, "What goes up, must come down." Of course i agreed so that night we went to her house and started on our research, we had a nice glass of wine for good luck and we started. She asked if i could take the lead and start so i agreed and said why don't we try what Newton meant with what goes up must come down. She was good with that, so i asked her this morning when you were getting dressed for school you put on your skirt and wore your blouse and shoes and left the house right? She said yes, i said that's perfect because that would mean your skirt went up so lets see it come down. Blammmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
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A girl is blowing her Boyfriend.
Boyfriend: Dамn, this is great.
Girlfriend: I would hope so, it took a long time to master this.
Boyfriend: You were blowing dudes behind my back?!
Girlfriend: Well, technically it was under the table. Anyway, how else did you think i could afford my Iphone?
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Most of you girls should be housewives for Halloween. You've been hoes all year.
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Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.
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What do you call a Russian рrоsтiтuте who charges too much?
Vagisdear Disputin
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What did a hоокеr say to the Russian President?
Vladimir Putin
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Boy: Mom, why is my cousin named diamonds?
Mom: Because auntie loves diamonds.
Boy: Then how did I get my name?
Mom: Enough questions Dicky.
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How is smoking a cigarette like eating рussy?
The farther down you get the more it starts to taste like аss.
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I hate how life is filled with double standards. If a girl fuскs a bunch of guys she's a whоrе. If I do, I'm gаy. Wтf?
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Last night I finally popped the question to my girlfriend of 2yrs.... Why do you have a соск?
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Girl, I want to kiss your lips. The one between your hips!
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I ordered a реnis enlarger from eBay last week. The ваsтаrd sent me a magnifying glass.
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Girl - Но Но Но.
Boy - Is Santa coming?
Girl - No, your girlfriend is.
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