Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman. He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.

When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch.
Joe happily accepts.
After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some "desert."
Joe happily accepts again.
When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar.
Joe asks what the dollar is all about.
The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me 'F**k him, give him a dollar. The lunch was my idea."

A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of a road holding up a sign that reads “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”

A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” and speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires—then a big splash. The priest turns to the pastor and says:
“Do you think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

My ex texted me, “Wish you were here.”

She does that every time she walks through a cemetery.

A father took his eight year old daughter to work on "Take your kid to Work Day"

As they were walking around the office the girl started crying and getting very upset. As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly and said:
"Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with".

- Mom, for some time I've had a relationship with our neighbor, Bob.

- Bob, he could be your father...
- But, mom, age is only a number.
- Oh dear, that is not what i meant ...