A man comes home and finds he has a letter from the Inland Revenue, advising him that he’s going to be audited. In a panic, he calls his accountant:
“ОМG, I’m going to be audited, what do I do?” he says.
“Don’t worry, I have all your receipts and paperwork in order.” says the accountant. “But I have a piece of advice for you: wear scruffy clothes, that way the auditor will think you’re down on your luck and take pity on you.”
The man then calls his lawyer to see if there are any legal ramifications related to auditing that he should know about.
“…and remember, if anything doesn’t seem right, call me!” says the lawyer. “Oh, and one other thing: wear your best clothes so the auditor will think you’re well off and will respect you more.”
Now the man is confused; he’s got conflicting advice and doesn’t know what to do. So he goes to his pastor and explains the situation.
“Well, my son, let me tell you a story.” says the pastor. “Sometimes before the wedding, brides will come to me and say they’ve received conflicting advice on what to wear for their wedding night. One friend will tell them to wear something very modest but another friend tells them to wear something very rасy & revealing. I’m going to give you the same advice I give them.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that?” says the man.
“It doesn’t matter what you wear-your still gona get fuскеd!”
There was a man who had a pool installed. It was a very elaborate pool with tiles imported from Russia. One day, he walked out to his wonderful pool to find it covered with algae. He quickly called the fellow who had installed the pool and asked him what he should do. "It's obvious," said the pool man, "you need to get a couple of porpoises."
"Porpoises?" inquired the man. "Yes, the porpoises will eat the algae, and you'll be the only person on your block to have porpoises." So the man bought two porpoises, and they ate the algae and gave the man someone to swim with, that is, until the porpoises got extremely sick. The man immediately called his friend, who was a marine biologist. "You know," said the friend, "if you feed porpoises seagulls, they will liven forever." So, the man drove to a pet store that specialized in exotic pets and bought two sacks full of seagulls. On his way home, a disturbing message screeched from the car radio. The announcer said that the lion had escaped from the state zoo, but no one should worry because the lion was quite old and had lost all of his teeth. The man breathed a sigh of relief. When he got home, oddly enough, the lion was sleeping on his front porch. The man decided he'd call the police later about the lion and, seagulls in hand, stepped over the lion. Then, the police drove up and arrested the man. Why? For transporting gulls over the state lion for immortal porpoises.
A Chinese man decided to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a small piece of land . A few days after moving in,the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these ‘Chinese customs’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another ‘Chinese custom’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way,…pause…., and then put his left ear next to the bull’s вuтт.
The Aussie bloke can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, ‘Jeez Mate, what the hеll is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.The next day you are рissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s вuтт, it could just about sh1t on you.’
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ‘Sorry sir, you no understand, these no … Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.’
‘What do you mean mate’ says the Aussie, ‘Those aren’t Australian customs.’
Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me’ replied the Chinese man,’He say to become true Australian, I must learn to….. chase chicks,….. get рiss drunк, and …. listen to bull-sh1t.’