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God

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When Adam asked Eve out for dinner she replied:
"Oh I'd love to, but I haven't a thing to wear."
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Two old women were talking about their sеx lives.
Ethel was upset because her sеx life had really died, while Mildred said her sеx life was great.
Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head.
When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sеx the rest of the night."
Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."
While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes.
She struggled to get both legs behind her head.
After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.
Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face.
"For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
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Los barcos y el naufrago pidiendo ayuda πιστη στο θεο Θεϊκή παρέμβαση Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by Un curé qui se promène dans la nature est pris dans les sables mouvants. Alors qu'il s'enfonce jusqu'au aux chevilles Един човек бил много вярващ. Уповавал се на Бог за всичко. В селото Станало голямо наводнение. Водата започнала да нахлува в сградите. В една къща набожен човек стоял се молел на Господ да го спаси. Водата стигнала до първия етаж. Докато човекът се молел Un curé est en train de se noyer au milieu d'un fleuve. Par chance Ein Mann wurde ins freie Meer geworfen. Kommt ein Boot vorbei. Kapitän: "Soll ich dich retten?" Mann: "Nein Rencontre avec Dieu Un homme veut mourir en s'enfonçant dans les sables mouvants Uma pequena cidade do interior estava enfrentando uma enchente so theres this christian man and hes on top of his roof A priest is drowning in a river… A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says “leave me alone Er was eens een man die het oerwoud in wilde. Dus ging hij op een dag het oerwoud in. Toen hij daar eindelijk aangekomen was Powódź w prowincjonalnym miasteczku. Ewakuacja ludności. Wojsko puka do kaplicy: - Proszę księdza Det var en gång två män som hette Frank och Peter.. En dag så blev det Översvämmning och deras vägar var dränkta.. Så kom Peter med en kanot till Franks hus och sa - Kom ut därifrån du kommer... Een man staat tot z'n knieen in het water C'est un croyant qui est dans le sable mouvant:il en a jusqu'aux genoux les pompiers viennent il dit "Dieu va me sauver". Il en a jusqu'au torse les pompiers reviennent Un calugarul cade in mare. Apare imediat o barca cu salvamari: - Va simtiti bine? Aveti nevoie de ajutor?! - Nuu! Dumnezeu ma va salva el pe mine... Mai inghite calugarul niste apa ... Si mai vine... C'est un curé qui est en train de se noyer dans un lac. Les pompiers arrivent et veulent le sauver mais le curé dit "Dieu me sauvera". Donc les pompiers rentre a la caserne mais leur chef  les... Habia un hombre que se cayo al mar y se estaba ahogando aparece un barco y le dice dale subi y el hombre dice no a mi me va a salvar dios aparece otro barco y le dice lo mismo y el hombre dice no a... Egy pap fuldoklik a folyóban. Arra megy egy gátőr és felé nyújt egy hosszú rudat. - Fogja meg En präst håller på att drunkna i havet och en båt kör förbi. De på båten frågar: - Vill du ha hjälp? Prästen svarar: - Nej tack Un cura seva ala selva y caen en arenas mobedizas biene un bombero y le dice señor necesita ayuda no¡ dios me salbara.... luego viene otro vombero i le dice señor neesita ayuda i dice no¡ dios me... A man goes swimming in the ocean but gets sucked out to sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says
A man was drowning and asked God to help him.
A boat came by wanting to help the man.
The man refused and said that God would save him.
The man drowned and went to heaven.
He asked God why didn't you save me. God responded, "I sent a boat to get you and you did not get on."
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Dogs believe they are human.
Cats believe they are God.
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¿Qué fue lo que dijo Dios después de crear al hombre? Tengo que ser capaz de hacer una cosa mejor. O que Deus disse depois de criar o homem? Creio que posso aperfeiçoá-lo ... Ce a spus Dumnezeu după ce a creat bărbatul? Ce naiba Co powiedział Bóg po stworzeniu mężczyzny? - Stać mnie na więcej. Hva sa Gud etter at han lagde Adam? Svar: Jeg er sikker på at jeg kan lage bedre enn det der... Какво е казал Бог Gud skabte først manden
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
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Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"
To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here - how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
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Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it. So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hеll with it," and decides to go to sleep. The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.
"Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"
William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the вuтт with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!" And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary."
Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.
"Who died on the cross for our sins?" William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Сhrisт!"
Once again, she goes back to sleep. This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
William pokes her again. Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"
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В бара протестант Надлъгват се циганин и арабин. Протестант Ein Ami Tres hombres presumiendo: Trois amis sur un banc discutent : _ J'ai 10 garçons Tres amigos que hace mucho que no se ven charlan en el bar: - Pues yo tengo 10 hijos varones. El amigo le contesta: - Pues si tienes uno más Oli suomalainen
A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families."I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."
"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."
"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."
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A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterward, the doctor comes into her room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child."
The woman worriedly asks, "What's wrong with it?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different. It's a hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite? What's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both male and female features."
The woman looks relieved. "Oh, you mean it has a реnis AND a brain?"
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Em uma noite chuvosa Bir gece eve dönen bir İskoçyalı Dos coches se chocan derrepente En rabbiner og en præst kommer ud for en bilulykke. Deres biler drøner Sammen og bliver fuldstændigt smadrede. Men besynderlig nok er ingen af de to mænd kommet noget til. Efter at de hver især har...
A rabbi and a priest crash into each other at a four-way junction.
They both get out of their cars and look at the wreck.
They both thank God they are OK, and the priest says, ‘This must be a sign that God wanted us to meet.’
The rabbi says, ‘Yes, indeed, let’s drink.’
So the rabbi gets out some wine.
They toast each other and the priest drinks his glass.
But the rabbi doesn’t take a taste of his drink.
Priest: ‘Why aren’t you drinking?’
Rabbi: ‘I’m waiting for the police.’
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God tried to make everyone different. He got bored by the time he got to China.
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Секунда $1 Million in Heaven El millón de dólares y el centavo Gott und die Relationen God 1 εκατομμύριο χρόνια A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask - Господи Un codicioso estaba hablando con Dios y le pregunta: A man is trying to understand the nature of God Un homme demande à dieu: - Que représente un milliard d'années pour toi ? - Une seconde - Que représente un milliard d'euros pour toi ? - Un centime - Peux-tu me donner un centime ? - Attend une seconde... Moïse est sur son rocher en train d'interroger Dieu: Pour toi Seigneur Moïse demande à Dieu: "pour vous que représente 10 millions d'années ?" pour moi c'est une seconde Moïse un peu excité reprend: "et 10 millions de dollars ?" "Et bien Un codicioso estaba hablando con Dios y le pregunta: - Dios Certa vez um homem pobre que não se conformava com sua condição A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God. Looking up A man was praying to God. He said Un avaro disse a Dio: – Che cosa sono per te 1000 anni? E Dio rispose: – Ma Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million pounds like to you? God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second… Meldžiasi naujas rusas: - Viešpatie Śmiertelnik pyta Boga: - Czym jest dla ciebie milion lat? - To jest jak sekunda. - A milion złotych? - Jak jeden grosz. - Mogę dostać grosik? - Sekundkę. Hombre: ¿Dios? Dios: ¿Si? Hombre: ¿Puedo preguntarte algo? Dios: ¡Por supuesto! Hombre: ¿Qué es para ti un millón de años? Dios: Un segundo Hombre: ¿Y un millón de euros? Dios: Un céntimo Hombre:... Um homem morreu... Foi pro céu e encontrou com Deus. Curioso ele perguntou: — Deus Una señora entra a misa y ve a una monja y le pregunta: - ¿Cuánto es para Dios mil años? Y la monja dice: - 1 segundo. - ¿Y cuánto es para Dios 1 millón de euros? Y dice: - 1 céntimo. Y la señora... Ένας άντρας τεμπελιάζει ξαπλωμένος στο γρασίδι και χαζεύει τα σύννεφα στον Ουρανό. Ξαφνικά αποφασίζει να μιλήσει με το Θεό. Αντρας: Θεέ μου τι διάρκεια έχουν για σένα ένα εκατομμύριο χρόνια; Θεός:... Kuolevainen: "Mitä miljoona vuotta on Sinulle?" Jumala: "Vain hetki" Kuolevainen: "Mitä miljoona dollaria on Sinulle?" Jumala: "Vain penni" Kuolevainen: "Voinko saada pennin?" Jumala: "Hetki vain" En mand og gud En mand og Gud snakkede sammen. Manden: Gud En mann førte en samtale med Vårherre. Mannen: Hvor lenge er en million år for deg? Vårherre: Bare et øyeblikk. Mannen: Hvor mye er en million kroner? Vårherre: Bare femti øre. Mannen: Kan jeg få... Господ: Што сакаш? Човек: Може нешто да те прашам? Господ: Кажи. Човек: Што значат за тебе милион години? Господ: Една секунда! Човек: А милион евра? Господ: Eден цент! Човекот: О Господи а да ми... Ρωτάει ο άνθρωπος τον Θεό: - Θεούλη μου τι είναι για σένα ένα δισεκατομμύριο; Θεός: - Μια δραχμή Ανθρωπος: Θεούλη μου τι είναι για σένα 1 εκατομμύριο χρόνια; Θεός: Μια στιγμή! Ανθρωπος: Θεούλη μου...
A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?" God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."
"God, how much is a million dollars?"
"To me, it's a penny."
"God, may I have a penny?"
"Wait a minute."
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Τι είπε ο Θεός όταν έπλασε τον πρώτο μαύρο; Q: What did God say when he first made the black person? A: Holly shit I have burned one. Hvad sagde gud da han skabte den første sorte mand? – ”Ups.. Jeg brændte en” - ¿Qué dijo Dios cuando hizo el primer negro? - Creo que quemé uno. Hvad sagde gud da han lavede sin anden neger? Shit! jeg brændte en til! Hvad sagde gud lige i det han havde skabt den første sorte mand? – Så for søren - Vad sa Gud när han skapat den första negern? - Ooops
What did God say when he made the first niggеrs?
Oops! Burnt another one!
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Once upon a time there were these two bums walking down the railroad tracks, and the first вuм, Fred, thought he smelled a nasty old smell.
He asked his companion, Jeff, ''Did you s**t your pants?'' ''Неll no,'' Jeff said. They walked a few more miles and the smell got worse. ''Did you s**t your pants, Jeff?'' ''I swear to the God almighty I did not s**t my pants,'' Jeff said. So they walk three more miles and the smell gets just horrible. Fred runs over and pulls down Jeff's pants and says, ''I thought you said you didn't s**t your pants?!'' ''I didn't.'' Jeff said. ''They're your pants.''
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Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs.
"Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunк, he's not going to notice you."
Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hеll is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunк, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By dамn, you're right, dear."
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Man: You've brought religion into my life.
Woman: Really? How?
Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Неll.
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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died."You know,"
Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
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Στολίδια Ποιά η ομοιότητα ανάμεσα σε έναν γέρο και στο Χριστουγεννιάτικο δέντρο; Τα μπαλάκια По какво си приличат свещеника и коледното дърво? Quelle est la différence entre un curé et un arbre de Noël ? Quelle est la différence entre un curé et un sapin de Noël ? Aucune: dans les deux cas les boules servent uniquement à décorer. ou bien Les boules du sapin servent au moins une fois dans l'année ! A willy is like a tree in your 20's its like a rock hard oak. In your 30's & 40's its like a birch tree How are Justin Bieber and a Christmas tree similar? Both their balls are decoration only. Hvad er ligheden imellem et juletræ og en steriliseret mand? - Kuglerne hænger kun til pynt Hvad er ligheden på en munk og et juletræ? - Kuglene er kun til pynt. Wat is de overeenkomst tussen de paus en een kerstboom? Bij allebei hangen de ballen er voor de sier! - Mi a közös a pap és a karácsonyfa között? - ???? - Mind a kettőn díszek a golyók. Qual a semelhança entre uma Árvore de Natal e um padre? As bolas são só de enfeite! Le sapin de noël et le curé Quelle est la différence entre un sapin de noël et un curé? Dans les deux cas les boules sont là que pour faire joli What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? They both have balls just for decoration.
Q: What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?
A: Their ваlls are just for decoration.
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