Insults

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I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh.

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If someone on the web replies "no one cares" to you, say-
"You care considering you took the time to click the reply button, type your response and click the post button."
And if he/she is the only one to respond, insert "the most" between "care" and "considering".

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Your so bad when you were eating alphabet soup you choked on the D because you Suскеd it to hard!

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Mom:
"Eat your vegetables."
Kid:
"I hate vegetables!"
Mom:
"But they like you."
Kid:
"That's because I don't eat them!"

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“Am I allowed to call a police officer a сunт?”
“No, sir, you are not. That would be an insult.”
“Would it be OK if I called a сunт ‘Officer’?”
“Yes, sir. That would be weird, but allowed.”
“Good night, Officer.”

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Diскhеаd: Hey jеrк, How's you're cousin after last nights session?HAHAHA.
Guy: She's fine. How's your sister after I wrecked her and your mum last night in a тhrееsоме?
Dickhead: Say it again!
Guy: How's your sister after I wrecked her and your mum last night in a тhrееsоме?
Dickhead: You аsshоlе, I'm gonna make you eat those words!
Guy: What like how I ate your sister out last night?
Dickhead: You suск!
Guy: Just how your mum suскеd me off last night?
Dickhead: My dad was at home you do know so it can't have happened.
Guy: You're dad was at work. Oh and tell your mum that I left some money for her in the bedside table and that she should call me if she wants another mouthful.

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Dad hates that I'm a stand-up comic, but it's his fault. He did the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life: did the splits getting out of the shower. Let that sink in. Fат man, wet floor -- people, I can't write a joke better than that.

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Every gym, the water fountain situation -- always the same. There's always one water fountain everybody uses, then there's one three feet below it, next to it, no one touches. Who's it for? What little мidgет treasure trolls at your gym?

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Random person: Why are you such a sмаrтаss.
You: Well if you don't say dumb shiт i won't have to be one.

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She's like, 'OK, you are Mexican, correct? If so, why don't you look Mexican?' I'm like, 'Oh, I'm sorry. I left my leaf blower in the dorm.'

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Calling you an idiот would be an insult to all sтuрid people.

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Insult: fuск you!
DP's comeback: no thanks, your acorn реnis will probably leave splinters in my ass

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Diск: dude your mom was so good last night.
Me: you must jave a mix up my moms not lesbian
Class:oooh!!

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Police officer: you know why i pulled you over
Me: *points at donuts* because you smelt these.

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- Texting Her Father- Daughter: JIMMY WHY DID YOU BREAK UP WITH IS IT BC OF THE SLUТ YOU
CHEATED ON WITH ME :( Daughter: oh sorry dad that was meant for Jimmy Dad: On a totally unrelated topic have you seen
My shotgun anywhere?

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I was named after my Dad.
Which make sense, he was born before me.

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You better hope you marry rich.

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Parent:Birch
Me:don't call me that!
Parent:why!?
Me:were you not listening, you forgot 3 words
Parent:..... What words?
Me: SON-OF-A

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