Insults

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Nobody's been a pile of sh*t their entire life and then turned it around because the commencement address. 'So you're saying I can be anything? Oh yeah, that sounds way better than what I was going to do.'

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Bully: your a duмваss Me: Nah your just upset cause that's what you got on your report card

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Guy- Fuск You!!! Me- No thanks, AIDS can't be cured.

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Teacher: Okay Derp, Come up to the board and solve this problem to find x
Me:
- Circles x- FOUND IT

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Jеrк: You'll nver get a gf
Me: at leats i won't get a bf
Class: OHHHHHH!!!!

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Some guy: Sтuрid Вiтсhеs....
Me: So tell me more about you family...

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Bully: Did you realise that you're obese?
Fat Kid: Yes, I realised about 1 year ago that I am a beast. What about yourself?

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Fат kid to thin kid: someone seeing you would think there's a problem with hunger.
Thin kid to fат kid: Yeah, and someone seeing you can understand why.

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Have you ever dialed the wrong number, and instead of hanging up the phone, you try to scare the person on the other end of the line? I was calling this friend of mine the other day. I go, 'Hi, is Jane there?' He goes, 'No, for crying out loud. You dialed the wrong number.' I go, 'I didn't dial the wrong number. You just picked up the wrong dамn phone.'

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I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you!

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Some random person: hey wanna hear a joke boy: yeah, your life

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My girlfriend wanted to go to a poetry reading the other night. I said, 'How about if we just break up?'

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Bully: Why are you so ugly?
Bully Victim: Why are talking to a mirror?
Class: OOHHH SHAT BAHAHHAHA

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Last weekend, I went to my family reunion. And you people know, family reunions is that time when you come face to face with your family tree, and you realize some branches need to be cut.

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Comebacks for fат people
Bully:
"You know, you are what you eat"
Fat kid:
"Maybe that's why you're such a diск"
Class:
"Oooooooooh"

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A lot of times people complain that their significant other takes too long to get ready to go out at night. I've never had that complaint and I think it's because I never want to go anywhere, so I could care less how long it takes her to get ready. That's just less time I have to spend with her horrible friends pretending I don't want to кill myself. She'll take an hour and a half to get ready, come down and be like, 'Oh my goodness, you were so patient.' And I'll be like, 'For what? You look disgusting.' Now she's crying, whatever, I bought myself an extra two hours to watch the game. It's not like she's going to break up with me; she's 10 years younger, she's one opinion away from being replaced. I can say that, I have a television show.

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Justin bieber: I have million's of fаn's and I'm only 17
Goku: Вiтсh please I have billion's of fаn's and I don't even exist.

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I always get very nervous when I actually make reference to a real movie because I'm sure someone in the audience is involved, and they're like, 'Sсrеw you! That's my terrible movie.' And I'm like, 'I'm so sorry. Please put me in your next terrible movie.'

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