Internet Jokes

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Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.

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I’ve been given one of them tablets that helps you get an еrестiоn.
You go on the internet and watch роrn films on it

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I was really hot earlier so decided to cool myself down with a bucket of ice water.
While I was at it, I decided to video it and make myself look like I give a fсuк about charity too.

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There are 3 things in life that are certain -
Death,
Taxes,
And that if you load up Windows Media Player and the volume control is set right down to 2 or 5 out of 100, it means that the last person on there was watching роrn.

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Dignity: Is that thing you lose when you send someone a second text before they’ve answered the first.

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James Bond is constantly ripped, amazing at poker, and seems to know where all the good looking girls in the area are.
Three guesses how he spent his time as a teenager…

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Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever.
I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.

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I hate when people inbox me to tell me how funny my statuses are……..
Mother fсuкеr there is a “Like” button for a reason!

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I was watching a роrnо and this girl managed to gag on the bloke’s соск for up to five minutes at a time.
Amazed by such a performance, I tried this with my wife and ended up killing her.
Turns out that I just have a slow internet connection.

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There’s an embarrassing video of me using incorrect words that has made it’s way onto the net.
To make matters worse, it’s gone virus.

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I was on the train today and couldn’t help but notice the bloke sitting next to me streaming роrn on his mobile phone.
I was furious. How can he get a signal in a tunnel and I can’t?”

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“I don’t know why you bought that laptop. You never use it,” said my wife.
She only says that because she checks my browsing history every day.

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When I see a girl nакеd, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck…
Damn dial-up!

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I can’t believe all the singles in my area want to meet me.
Probably because of all the iPads I’ve won.

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We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life.
Now we’re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.

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I am very wary of online date sites now. I answered one where the girl’s profile said, “People say I’m a sаinт.” …
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Sure enough, when we met up. she had a face like a sаinт-a Sаinт Bernard!

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In a survival situation, you can drink your own urinе.
Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

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The wife shivered in front of the camera, after having had a bucket of iced water poured over her head.
“That was awesome,” I laughed. “But you didn’t nominate anyone.”
“Because I was fсuкing sleeping, you c*nt!” she yelled.

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