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Irish jokes

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- Mia sorella ha sposato un irlandese. - Oh
"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."

"Oh, really?"

"No, O'Reilly!"
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Раddy says to Мiск - I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.  Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.  Мiск asks - So what are you going to do this year?.  Раddy replies, -  I’ll take her with me!
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тази нова година се пада петък Weihnachten am Freitag Две блондинки си говорят и едната казва: Две блондинки разговарят. Treffen sich 2 Blondinen Unterhalten sich zwei Blondinen. Fragt die eine: "An welchem Tag ist eigentlich Heilig Abend?" Sagt die andere: "An einem Freitag!" Darauf meint die erste: "Mist Zwei Polizisten unterhalten sich: "Du Spotykają się dwie blondynki i jedna mówi: - Ty Harald till Björn: - Julafton är på en fredag i år. - Oj Twee blondjes zitten wat te kletsen tot ineens de ene zegt “Dit jaar is kerstmis op een vrijdag” waarop het andere blondje antwoordt “O nee Den ene blondine til den andre: – Ååå Den ene blondine til den anden: Åhh gud. det er jul på en fredag i år. Den anden: Åhh nej! bare det ikke er den 13. Ene blondje: "Dit keer is oudjaar op een vrijdag." Andere blondje: "Nou Розмовляють дві блондинки: — Чуєш Sagt die eine Blondine zur anderen: Weihnachten fällt dieses Jahr auf einen Freitag! Sagt die andere: Oh nein! Hoffentlich nicht auf den 13ten To blondiner står og snakker De ene blondine zegt tegen de andere: 'Dit jaar valt Kerstmis op een vrijdag.' Zegt de andere: 'Oh! Hopelijk niet op de 13de!' Két szőke nő beszélget. - Képzeld idén a karácsony pont pénteki napra esik! - De remélem nem 13-ára... Jdou dvě blondýnky po ulici a jedna prohodí: „Víš Deux blondes discutent : - Cette année Noël tombe un vendredi L'autre repond : - J'espère que c'est pas un vendredi 13 Két rendőr beszélget: - Tudtad Дві білявки: — А ти знаєш Си разговараат две плавуши: - Знаеш ли дека оваа година Нова Година се паѓа во Петок? Другата: - Ауу само да не е 13ти!!! Šnekas dvi blondinės: - Žinai šiemet nauji metai penktadineį.. - Kad tik nebūtu 13.. Blondynka do blondynki: - Ty wiesz Mann: "Heute fällt Weihnachten auf einen Freitag". Blondine: "Hoffentlich nicht auf Freitag den 13ten." Зборуваат две плавуши: - Оваа година Нова Година е во петок Našle se dve plavuše i kaže jedna drugoj: - Da li znaš da Nova godina pada tačno na petak! A druga će: - Jao nadam se da nije petak 13.
Раddy says to Мiск,  “Christmas is on a Friday this year”…. Мiск says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
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Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman, are walking through a field in Normandy during WW1, all of a sudden they see the German army coming over the hill, thinking quickly they run and hide in a nearby barn.
The German army follow them into the barn and can see lots of sacks of grain.
The soldiers start kicking the bags they get to the Englishman hiding in a sack, they kick it, “woof” goes the Englishman, the German soldiers say it’s a dog and move on.
They get to the Scotsman hiding in a sack, they kick it, “meow” goes th scots man, the German soldier say it’s a cat and move on.
They finally come to the Irishman hiding in a sack, they kick it. The Irishman shouts “POTATOES”
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At a wedding party recently, someone yelled, "All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living!" The bartender was crushed to death.
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T here is an Irish man getting ready to jump to his death from a bridge when a Priest walks past.
The man turns to the Priest and says, “Don’t try to stop me father, I’m going to jump.”
“Don’t jump.” says the Priest, “It can’t be that bad. Think of the life you have yet to live.”
“That’s one of the reasons I’m jumping” Says the Irish man.
“Well if that won’t stop you, think about your family.” says the Priest.
“That’s another reason.” says the Irish man.
“Well think about your job.” says the Priest.
“There’s another reason.” says the Irish man.
“Well if that won’t stop you think about St. Patrick.” says the Priest. “Who’s that?” asks the Irish man.
“Jump you Protestant ваsтаrd.” says the Priest.
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Раddy joins the suicide squad and is given a mission to infiltrate the enemy camp. His commander supplies him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.
He lands up in the enemy camp and calls his Commander: Sir, there are 2 enemy soldiers, can I do it now ?
Commander : No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.
Paddy : Sir now there are 25 soldiers, can I do it now?
Commander : Wait for more.
Paddy : Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I do it now?
Commander : Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, dont worry about your family, we will look after them.
Paddy pulls out his knife and stabs himself in his chest.
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Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, “You can’t fool me. You’re in that basket up there.”
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Раddy always slept with his gun under his pillow. One night, hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe. …
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‘Begosh and Begorrah, Thank the Lord I wasn’t sleeping at the other end of me bed,’ Раddy said to his friends in Donegal’s Pub. ‘I would have blown me fool head off.’
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Раddy set out on a very windy day to see his friend Мiск who was sick in bed.
Hours later, he pulled his weary body into Мiск’s house.
Mick asked him how it was.
“I’ll tell ya, it was just brutal. For every step I took forwards, I fell back two steps.”
“Then how ever did you make it over here?” Мiск asked.
“Well, finally I gave up, so I turned around and headed for home.”
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Раddy’s wife gave birth to triplets..
“How in God’s name did that happen ?” says Paddy
“Remember that night when i was very dry and we had no Vaseline so we used 3 in 1 oil ?”
“Вlооdy hеll” says Раddy “I’m fuскin glad i didn’t use WD40” .
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Раddy was driving his lorry (truck) when he saw a bridge with a sign saying “10 foot max. headroom.” He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , ‘A Shure an’ Begorrah, I’ll give it a go,’ he thought only to find that his lorry got wedged tight underneath it. …
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Раddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Раddy then opened, ‘what do you think you are doing?’ asked the policeman in a sharp tone. …
…
‘Sure I’m having me tea break,’ replied Раddy,
‘And what do you work at?’ asked the policeman,
‘Agh shure I deliver bridges,!’ smiled Раddy!
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Мiск and Раddy are walking along when Мiск falls down an open manhole. Раddy shouts down: “What shall I do?” Мiск barks back: “Call me an ambulance!” ….
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Раddy then jumps up and down screaming: “Мiск is an ambulance, Мiск is an ambulance.”
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Раddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He’s got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Раddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O’Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Раddy: I’ll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you’ve still got 3 lifelines
Раddy: I’m sure Chris,I’ll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Раddy I’m sure you’d like to know the answer.
Раddy: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You’ve just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Раddy: I may be mental Chris but I’m no feckin grass.
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The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
“McTavish, Scotland” he says, “Discus” and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
“Waddington-Smythe, England” he says, “Pole vault” and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
“O’Malley, Ireland” he says, “Fencing.”
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Раddy and his two friends are discussing the behaviour of their teenage daughters.
Dave says “I was shocked the other day. I was in my 14 year old daughters bedroom and I found a packet of cigarettes. I didn’t evn know she smoked!”
Mike replied, “That’s nothing, I was tidying my 14 year old’s room the other day and found a bottle of vоdка. I never knew she drank!”
Paddy looked at the other two, and said, “Well, I was in MY 14 year old’s room the other day, and under her pillow I found a packet of condoms! I never even knew she had a соск!!”
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Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row.
His wife dragged him to the window.
Pointing to the blazing lights of the distillery in the distance. See how big it is ?she said.
They can always make it faster than you can drink it.
Maybe so, said Murphy But Ive got them working nights…
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The Fire Brigade were trying to rescue an Irishman from the 10th floor of a burning building.
Fireman shouts: “Jump and we’ll catch you in this blanket!”
Irishman replies: “Fеск off, I don’t trust you, lay it on the floor!
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