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Life’s too short to want it.
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What do you call a single вisеxuаl?
All bi myself.
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You know people always say your life is worth it, but with me it’s worth-it-less
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Why is the cheetah so bad at hide n seek ? Because Everytime she hides she will always spotted
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Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in. “Bruce, I’ve вlооdy suctioned myself to the floor” she said. “S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber.” They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. “No way, we can’t do it!” Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B”
“Plan B?” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”
“I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her” replied Cobber. “Spot on” Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her niррlеs”
“Play with her niррlеs?” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate” "No… " Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper”
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No no no no
Spot the intruder
Theres no one
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My dog was hungry, so I let him loose outside while I filled his bowl. I found out later that he was run over by a truck. It seemed to really hit the Spot
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Someone asked me if I’ve ever tried to кill myself. I responded, “Absolutely. A few times actually. I’m just not very good at it.”
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The F in orphan stands for family… oh wait
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Why doesnt voldemort have a human nose?
Because his snake bit it of
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How do blondes play real life jenga?
By stacking humans.
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SonAD DAD ОМG ОМG ОМG ОМG!!!
Dad:WHATS WRONG ARE YOU OK?!
SOn:MIA ASKED ME OUT ON A DATE ON FEBRUARY 30th
Dad:Cas theres no february 30th?
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My aunt worked as a human cannon ball
I’m not sure if she was good at it until she got fired
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Son: Hey Dad, what’s an alcoholic?
Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would we 8.
Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.
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Why was the Human Torch arrested?
He had firearms.
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You know what is the worst mistake every human being made?
Answer: living
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It’s funny that everyone is depressed like I mean
Bullys are depressed
Nerds are depressed
Bad girls/boys are depressed
Kind humans are depressed
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Leo: Mother, what is an idiот.
Mother: An idiот is someone that explains something in a long, boring way so that the person that the idiот is trying to explain to doesn’t understand.
Mother: Do you understand.
Leo: No.
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