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You have to appreciate how badass the Chinese are, making their language totally out of tattoo symbols.

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I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!

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Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”

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Just imagine, you’re a pair of jogging pants.
You expect a nice and easy life of lying on the sofa. And then WТF?! You get bought by an ambitious jogger!

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I’ve just been to the drugstore and saw that they’re selling lemon-scented intimate deodorants.
Yeah, this really makes sense actually because lemon goes very well with fish.

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I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands. They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack. Now it's "Donald! Duck!"

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You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my nакеd body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start suскing.
Stupid mosquitoes!

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I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.

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Today, I found a mosquito, I sat right next to it and kept on buzzing so he would see what it’s like, not being able to sleep!

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“I want to be an astronaut!”
“I thought they didn’t send monkeys to space anymore?”
“Exactly, so no chance of a visit from you then!”

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I did a self-defense course.
I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now.

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What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn’t make me fат?
Your fingernails.

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Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness!
Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict?
Bishop: It is the 16th, though.

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I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer.
I saw it clearly through my binoculars.

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My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off.
So I took off her blouse.
She said, “Now off with the skirt.”
I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”
And when I did that, she said, “Now the вrа and the раnтiеs.”
I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”

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I was the best door-to-door security alarms salesmen for many years running.
The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.

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That moment when you want to be really cool in the cinema and start flipping popcorn into the air to catch it with your open mouth, but instead you get it in your open eye and the rest of the movie is just blurry.

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The urologist is about to leave his office and says:
Ok, let's рiss off now."

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