Jokes

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Simba was moving too slowly, so I told him to Mufasa!

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Step 1: Attach a mustache to your t. V.
Step. 2: Drink every time it lines up with someones face.

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Hahahahahabananahahahahaha
I bet you didnt notice "banana" in the middle. I got u good u f*cker!

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I'm going to open a gym called 'Resolutions'. For the first two weeks of the year it's a gym, the rest of the time it's a bar.

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Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

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Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad dude, my bad...

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
Bless you! Need a tissue?

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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre!

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Why did LeBron cross the road? To put the hammer down!

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Why did Papa Smurf send Smurfette to see a doctor???
She was always feeling blue...

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Old days:
"Mom I'm hungry"."Ok sweetheart I'll go make some porridge"
Now:
"Mom I'm hungry".
"Go heat up a f*ckin hot pocket then lazyass"

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10 interesting facts:
1) you cant say "s" without using your tongue
2) just tried it
3) your grinning
4) you just checked to see if i forgot a number
5) your smiling
7) you didnt notice that I forgot 6)
8) so you check it
9) you think this is a weird "joke"
10) you give it a good rating anyway

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Yesterday, I got high and went to Olive Garden.
Waitress: Would you like soup or salad?
Me: What the fuск is a super salad?

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Реdорhilе:
"I have candy; get in the van."
Me:
"No."
Pedophile:
"The van has Wi-Fi."
Me:
"Okay."

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Johns in 1st grade and his teacher is going over vocab words and his teacher asks the class to use the word house in a sentence so everyone in the class raises there hands including john, and the teacher picks on Billy. and Billy said my house is brown
Teacher: very good.
Teacher: how about we use the word dog.
The class raises their hands.
Teacher picks on sally instead of john and john is in the background with a frown on his face.
Sally i walk my dog:
John: how come you didn't pick on me :( to answer
Teacher: because i know you know all the words but if you want a word ill give you one..
Teacher: use the word Urinate.
John: ok i have a sentence for you
John: urinate but IF YOU HAD ВIGGЕR ТIТТIЕS you would be a 10

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Okay, so theres a statue and he's been a statue for years then a magical рigеоn swoops down where the statue is and says,
"Since you have been a good statue so i'm going to grant you life". So the рigеоn swirls his little wand and the statue becomes alive. The statue is like, "Oh my gosh i'm alive!" The first thing he does is throw the pigron on the ground and he shiтs on it and says,
"How do you like it?"

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*speeding*
Cop:pull over!!!
Me: *pulls over*
Cop:do you know why i pulled you over?
Me:yes!!! do you?

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What's the difference between a hare and a rabbit?
You can pull a hair out of your аrsе but not a rabbit

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