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If a мidgет comes up to you and says your hair smells good, is that considered sеxuаl harassment?

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Santa, standing on a railway platform, suddenly runs and stands on the tracks.
Banta:
"Santa, move out of the way! The train is arriving!"
Santa:
"Haven't you heard the announcement that the train is arriving on the platform?"

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A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse said,
"No change yet."

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20 years I've been eating outta cereal boxes, and you gotta give it to em'. They stayed firm and refused to move with the times. I mean they know the resealable ziplock bag exists, but they've never backed down. No matter how many times the fold-in top rips or the plastic bag tears on the wrong edge, they say "No innovation, we say no!"

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A guy walks into a bar, and breaks his nose!!!

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The closest that I've gotten to мurdеr: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop...

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Customer:
"Waiter, waiter! What is this fly doing in my soup?"
Waiter:
"The backstroke, I think."

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A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!” Another Roman walks up to the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

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I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!

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Teacher: stop intrupting while im talking
Student: you stop talking while im interupting

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How do you fix a cabbage? With a cabbage patch.

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Army.
Army who?
Army and you still friends?

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Question :Why do pirates only have 1 eye?
Answer: Because in the word pirate there is only one i

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Boy: what's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a рот of glue?
Girl: I don't know
Boy: you can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna
Girl: what about the рот of glue?
Boy: I knew you'd get stuck there!

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A man was in a restaurant one day and then he suddenly realized he had to pass gas! And the music was really loud in the restaurant so he let it out! But, then he realized he was listening to his iPod music

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Place:mental hospital
Doctor:what is wrong with you?
Patient:I wrote a 500 page book
Doctor:what did you write about?
Patient:I wrote a king started going to the jungle with his horse and in the last page he arrived at the jungle
Doctor:what did you write in the other 498 page
Patient:tigdik tigdik tigdik
Tigdik tigdik and so on the other 493 pages
Doctor:you idiот. Who will read it
Patient:I will put it on watazapp and some idiот will read it

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Gasoline is so overpriced right now, ExxonMobil just changed the names of their three grades of gas to Tall, Grande, and Venti!

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I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

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